I heard you talking at that party and couldn’t help but notice that your opinion is shitty. Even if the listener ignores the issues where your premise and all...

Latest News
People’s Bank To Release Upcoming Robbery Schedule

After the People’s Bank was robbed for the second time in a month, bank officials and local robbers have decided to release a calendar that lists the dates of all future robberies. Despite buying an extra GoPro for a security camera and asking potential robbers “very nicely” not to rob the bank, the People’s Bank has become a favorite target in the robbing community. “We didn’t mean to startle anyone with our little old burglary,” said Daniel Roberts, the spokesperson for the new...

NAACP Revokes Ben Carson’s Black Card

The NAACP recently announced that presidential candidate Ben Carson has lost his black card, meaning he is no longer considered a member of the black community. This move was likely a response to Carson’s criticism of the "Black Lives Matter" movement. NAACP president and CEO William Brookes spoke about Carson yesterday. “One of the goals of the NAACP has been to ensure that African Americans are seen as equals in terms of intelligence. This clown has managed to derail all of our hard work...

Arts & Life
Bravo Debuts “Real Housewives of Suburbia”

As mandated by their contract, The Real Housewives are adding ten approved spinoff shows to Bravo’s fall lineup, the first of which is entitled “The Real Housewives of Suburbia.” This most recent series is another reality show following the lives of homemakers, this time set in middle-class America. “We ran out of the hot cities—Orange County, Atlanta, and New York City—right away,” explained former head of development for Bravo, Andy Cohen. “From there, it’s been a stretch...

Sports
Student Gives Inspiring Speech To Madden Team

After making sure he was the only person in the room, Sophomore Gary Fendleson gave an inspiring speech to his television, intended for the pixels that make up the video game “Madden 15.” Fendleson, who quit playing football in middle school, wanted to make sure his players realized how important the next game was. “I turned the difficulty level to All-Pro for this franchise,” said an excited Fendleson. “That’s pretty hard. I was the Cleveland Browns and we were 9-6 going into the...

Tony Romo Guarantees Cowboys Will Make It To Super Bowl Party

In a move reminiscent of Joe Namath's legendary proclamation, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has personally guaranteed that the Cowboys will be at a Super Bowl party. After beating division rivals New York Giants to earn a 6-1 record, many experts are supporting his prediction, insisting that the statistics suggests that the entire team should RSVP by January 1st. “You got to love that offensive line,” said ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton. “Not only are they great at blocking for runners,...

Opinion
Your Opinion is Shitty

I heard you talking at that party and couldn’t help but notice that your opinion is shitty. Even if the listener ignores the issues where your premise and all supporting arguments are based on incorrect information and logic, your opinion remains shitty. While nothing you did or said was illegal, the fact remains that you’re a dick for saying it. As an overly confident person, I know you’re tempted...

Opinion: I Don’t Want to Have Sex Near a Portrait of Your Brother John

I understand that you miss your family while you’re away at school, but you need to do something about the location of these picture frames--I don’t want to have sex near a portrait of your brother John. You know I have nothing against John. It’s just that I don’t want to lose focus and start thinking about his senior prom when I open my eyes and see this picture on the desk. I mean, John looked nice in his tux and all, but didn’t he break up with his girlfriend the very next day? Why...