According to national reports, racists were disappointed after discovering a viral image of a Quinnipiac student inaccurately described as wearing blackface. The image depicted a young woman in what appeared to be a clay mask, which was inappropriately...

Latest News
Racists Not Impressed By Blackface Incident

According to national reports, racists were disappointed after discovering a viral image of a Quinnipiac student inaccurately described as wearing blackface. The image depicted a young woman in what appeared to be a clay mask, which was inappropriately paired with the caption ‘black lives matter’ without her knowledge. We asked several conservative citizens to weigh in on the issue. “I prefer to be more passive aggressive about my racism,” explained Mary Denton from suburban Missouri....

Brock Turner Outraged

Convicted rapist Brock Turner has come forward to express outrage towards his early release. Turner was sentenced to serve six months in prison, but he was forced to leave after only serving three months, just half of a dramatically reduced sentence. Turner revealed that the jail had become his home, and being thrust out of it into the public felt like a violation of his right to fair punishment. Forcing a person to do something that he doesn’t consent to is an idea that he does not support. “Cell...

Arts & Life
How To Tell Your Boyfriend He Was Just A Summer Fling

A new school year means a new start, and now that classes have begun, it is time for you to cut ties with your baggage. That means finally telling Josh, Greg, Chris, and Brad what your relationship really was: a way to kill the boredom before going back to college. Be ready for the subject in question to have a poor reaction at first. It’s common for most summer flings to become confused, annoyed, and gassy after learning the truth about their love status. To help ease them of these symptoms,...

Sports
Stop Comparing This Hockey Team To Older, Eerily Similar Hockey Team

This past weekend, my favorite sports team of all time – the 2015-16 Quinnipiac men’s hockey team – lost the hockey national championship. As their biggest fan, I was extremely disappointed. However, what disappointed me more was the reaction I saw on Twitter after the game. Tweets like “Quinnipiac lost in the title game, just like in 2013,” and “In 2013, Quinnipiac men’s hockey had a result very similar to this,” or even “Hockey was played tonight and hockey was also played in...

Student Gives Inspiring Speech To Madden Team

After making sure he was the only person in the room, Sophomore Gary Fendleson gave an inspiring speech to his television, intended for the pixels that make up the video game “Madden 15.” Fendleson, who quit playing football in middle school, wanted to make sure his players realized how important the next game was. “I turned the difficulty level to All-Pro for this franchise,” said an excited Fendleson. “That’s pretty hard. I was the Cleveland Browns and we were 9-6 going into the...

Opinion
The Greatest Satire of All is Graduating

In my three-and-a-half years at The Quinnipiac Barnacle, I’ve committed countless acts of satire. Remember John Lahey? I don’t – at least not since I wrote, “John Lahey Plants Bomb On Shuttle, Mark Thompson is the Only One That Can Save Us,” a flawless satire of Lahey and Thompson’s relationship set in the film Speed – a mere 21 years after the film came out. How about Albert Schweitzer? Yes, that French-German Nobel Prize winner was surely taken down a few pegs when I pointed my satirical...

Thank You For Having Sex With Me

If you are reading this, then, statistically speaking, we did not have sex. However, if you are lucky enough to be in the top 1 percent – the very top of the top 1 percent – then this message is for you: thanks! I truly appreciate you deigning to have sex with me. There were many other options – you’re a very charming lady! – and I was honored that you chose me. I swear, when we were in Toads/Bar/Box/Pulse/Bathroom of Taco Bell, I had no idea what was about to happen – but I’m very...