Shocking news today on Quinnipiac’s quad when a dead man was found in the midst of hundreds of relaxing students. “I was laying on the grass with my friends when we noticed him lying face first in the ground,” quoted sophomore Jessica Stone. “We...

Latest News
Man Relaxing On Quad Actually Dead

 Shocking news today on Quinnipiac’s quad when a dead man was found in the midst of hundreds of relaxing students. “I was laying on the grass with my friends when we noticed him lying face first in the ground,” quoted sophomore Jessica Stone. “We all looked at each other and said, ‘How do we get that relaxed?'” The body was found with no identification. His wallet, license, and pants were stolen. “I’m so jealous of his lifestyle. I wish I could live without all those materialistic...

QU Hires New Old White Man to Solve Diversity Issue

  In order to tackle the so-called "diversity issue" on campus, Quinnipiac has created an entire position dedicated to fixing the problem. University officials have done their best to rectify the lack of diversity on campus, doing everything short of something crazy - say, actually letting in non-white students or hiring staff of color. President Lahey appointed John Lehigh to fill the position, and don't you worry: our sources have confirmed that Lehigh is indeed white. A few eyebrows were...

Arts & Life
Local Dog Voices Concern Over Master’s Disappearance

According to a local Labradoodle, master James Murphy has been missing for approximately five minutes. Lucy, a three-year-old yellow mix, has become anxious over the frequent disappearances of her master lately, and she has decided to take action this time. “HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU GO MASTER I LOVE YOU,” quoted the mutt solemnly. “PLEASE COME HOME PLEASE COME BACK I MISS YOU.” Local authorities have received approximately 1,511 missing persons’ notices from Lucy over the years, and...

Sports
Stop Comparing This Hockey Team To Older, Eerily Similar Hockey Team

This past weekend, my favorite sports team of all time – the 2015-16 Quinnipiac men’s hockey team – lost the hockey national championship. As their biggest fan, I was extremely disappointed. However, what disappointed me more was the reaction I saw on Twitter after the game. Tweets like “Quinnipiac lost in the title game, just like in 2013,” and “In 2013, Quinnipiac men’s hockey had a result very similar to this,” or even “Hockey was played tonight and hockey was also played in...

Student Gives Inspiring Speech To Madden Team

After making sure he was the only person in the room, Sophomore Gary Fendleson gave an inspiring speech to his television, intended for the pixels that make up the video game “Madden 15.” Fendleson, who quit playing football in middle school, wanted to make sure his players realized how important the next game was. “I turned the difficulty level to All-Pro for this franchise,” said an excited Fendleson. “That’s pretty hard. I was the Cleveland Browns and we were 9-6 going into the...

Opinion
The Greatest Satire of All is Graduating

In my three-and-a-half years at The Quinnipiac Barnacle, I’ve committed countless acts of satire. Remember John Lahey? I don’t – at least not since I wrote, “John Lahey Plants Bomb On Shuttle, Mark Thompson is the Only One That Can Save Us,” a flawless satire of Lahey and Thompson’s relationship set in the film Speed – a mere 21 years after the film came out. How about Albert Schweitzer? Yes, that French-German Nobel Prize winner was surely taken down a few pegs when I pointed my satirical...

Thank You For Having Sex With Me

If you are reading this, then, statistically speaking, we did not have sex. However, if you are lucky enough to be in the top 1 percent – the very top of the top 1 percent – then this message is for you: thanks! I truly appreciate you deigning to have sex with me. There were many other options – you’re a very charming lady! – and I was honored that you chose me. I swear, when we were in Toads/Bar/Box/Pulse/Bathroom of Taco Bell, I had no idea what was about to happen – but I’m very...