A Quinnipiac University bomb threat was postponed Sunday after the school’s third graduation ceremony. The bomb threat was scheduled for 6 PM on the quad, but the College of Arts and Sciences graduation ceremony quickly ended the school’s first scare...

Latest News
University to Change Its Title Back to Quinnipiac College as Firings Eliminate Entire Majors

Through his firing of full-time faculty members following a decrease in deposits from incoming students, President Lahey inadvertently eliminated the English, Game Design and Development, and Media Studies majors. Much to President Lahey’s surprise, this loss reverted the University back to its original title of College. “I had no idea I would be changing the entire state of our campus with my actions,” Lahey stated. “Somehow, it seems I sent a message to the entire student body...

Student Sexiles Roommate to Masturbate Alone

Following an unsuccessful night at Toad’s, freshman Richard Warnock reportedly kicked his roommate out for the lone purpose of a masturbation session. Warnock, extremely horny and incredibly lonely, tried to quickly make up an excuse to use the room upon returning to his dorm room. After dismissing excuses like, “I need to call my parents,” or “I need to change my clothes,” Warnock settled on telling his roommate Frank Bale, that he had “a goddamn dime” on the way to their room. Bale,...

Arts & Life
Depression in Women On Rise As Workplace Harassment Decreases

The Center for Statistics on Sexual Harassment (CSSH) has recently announced after a 5 year study that women in the workplace are becoming more depressed as the feminist cause spreads nationally. In a dual part survey, the CSSH found that not only are women being sexually harassed less in the workplace, but also that it is causing their self-esteem to drop further than what was expected. Head surveyor, Patrick Hall, described the phenomenon. "It all makes perfect sense, when you really think...

Habitat For Humanity Breaks Into Its Usual Mid-Meeting Orgy

Habitat for Humanity announced it will be breaking into its usual mid-meeting orgy at its upcoming meeting on Thursday afternoon. The community service organization, best known for building houses in poverty stricken areas, stressed in the announcement that any and all students are welcome to join. “Theses meetings are a great way to really get to know the other members in the organization,” Habitat for Humanity member Alison Dean told reporters, stating that she has met some of her best friends...

Sports
Students Discussing Sports Blissfully Unaware of Your Discomfort

Reports state that Jake and Marcus, two of your closest friends, are completely unaware of your growing discomfort as they discuss the positives and negatives of their local sports teams. Eyewitness accounts go on to state that they don’t notice you looking down at your phone as they regurgitate memorized baseball statistics, nor do they bat an eye when you clear your throat or try to change the subject away from how much of an impact the latest player trade made on the team’s future. “Nah,...

QU Sells Prized Racehorse Cinnamon to Glue Factory

A living legend comes to an end, as Quinnipiac University announced today that its prized racehorse Cinnamon will be retiring at the end of this racing season and promptly sold to a glue manufacturing plant in Bridgeport. The record winning thoroughbred and beloved Quinnipiac icon will compete in his final race this Saturday, bringing to end over a decade spanning career. Standing at just under six feet, the chestnut colored equestrian has long been recognized by the campus as the embodiment of...