In the wake of the death of the rock icon, Prince, citizens across the nation cannot help but look back upon the impact other, similarly famous deceased celebrities had on their lives. “Its truly sad to see another legend go. Prince was such a tremendous...

Latest News
Clerical Error Accidentally Reopens Vietnam War for 48 Hours

A recent clerical error has accidentally reopened the Vietnam War. Sources reveal that the clerical error occurred during a complex series of law reversals stemming from an addendum to the recent John Muir National Historic Site Expansion Act. The United States shall technically be at war with The Democratic Republic of Vietnam between the dates of April 15th and April 17th. According to Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who championed the John Muir National Historic Site Expansion Act, the...

Politically Correct Racist Struggles to Express Himself

Politically correct local racist Aaron Heuskin has been struggling to convey his feelings. Given the recent Syrian refugee crisis, Heuskin is very interested in expressing some opinions, but reportedly cannot support either the liberals or the conservatives, given that he would need to avoid calling liberals “irresponsible” or conservatives “xenophobes” in this attempt to take a side. These types of awkward interactions are not uncommon for Heuskin, and reports show his family is also...

Arts & Life
Bravo Debuts “Real Housewives of Suburbia”

As mandated by their contract, The Real Housewives are adding ten approved spinoff shows to Bravo’s fall lineup, the first of which is entitled “The Real Housewives of Suburbia.” This most recent series is another reality show following the lives of homemakers, this time set in middle-class America. “We ran out of the hot cities—Orange County, Atlanta, and New York City—right away,” explained former head of development for Bravo, Andy Cohen. “From there, it’s been a stretch...

Sports
Stop Comparing This Hockey Team To Older, Eerily Similar Hockey Team

This past weekend, my favorite sports team of all time – the 2015-16 Quinnipiac men’s hockey team – lost the hockey national championship. As their biggest fan, I was extremely disappointed. However, what disappointed me more was the reaction I saw on Twitter after the game. Tweets like “Quinnipiac lost in the title game, just like in 2013,” and “In 2013, Quinnipiac men’s hockey had a result very similar to this,” or even “Hockey was played tonight and hockey was also played in...

Student Gives Inspiring Speech To Madden Team

After making sure he was the only person in the room, Sophomore Gary Fendleson gave an inspiring speech to his television, intended for the pixels that make up the video game “Madden 15.” Fendleson, who quit playing football in middle school, wanted to make sure his players realized how important the next game was. “I turned the difficulty level to All-Pro for this franchise,” said an excited Fendleson. “That’s pretty hard. I was the Cleveland Browns and we were 9-6 going into the...

Opinion
Opinion: Thomas Edison Was Probably Sexiled A Lot

As someone who listens to Hamilton and believes the History Channel has the best daytime television programming, it's fair to say I've gained some knowledge about historical nemeses, besties, and frenemies. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were total bros, Andrew Carnegie and John D. Rockefeller must've compared dick sizes at least once, and Nikola Tesla probably sexiled Thomas Edison a lot. Let's face it, Tesla and Edison were constantly around one another trying to figure out ways to conduct...

Opinion: What Are You Gonna Do, Hit Me?!

Hey bro, did you just bump me? Yeah I’m talking to you. I ain’t talking to the fucking Toad's bouncer! You think you’re tough or something? I’ll mess you up dude. Bro, I played lax for like 3 years, and we used to lift all the fucking time! Check out these arms! I needed them to be huge because we were always wearing pinnies, bro. Sun's out, guns out! So...