Over the weekend, an elderly man, confirmed to be John Lahey, was spotted at the WiGo-sponsored house party after wandering away from the supervision of Quinnipiac officials. While at the party, Mr. Lahey got a hold of the microphone and began to spout nonsense, which can be attributed entirely to his old age.
“I didn’t even know this street existed! I’m gonna have to buy all these houses,” said the clearly delusional old man. He continued by claiming to own “all of New Road and most of Whitney Avenue” as well.
Students at the party saw no problem with his statement. One student, Junior Trevor Everett said, “Old people are cool. But they can be forgetful of boundaries too. One time my grandma shit herself in a Burger King. So maybe it was kind of like that.”
Many Hamden residents were enraged by comments he made to one resident, identified only by his Facebook profile picture of a Ford Excursion, posting “the Fact that Prez Lahey supported yur party is even worse !! No respect!”
Other students added that the Hamden community should be more supportive of the elderly. “The poor old guy was just having a good time,” added Senior Lauren Pach. “He wore his cute little suit and everything to come out; cut the guy some slack, or rather some mozzarella!”
Following his brief appearance at the party, Lahey was spotted by police who promptly escorted him back to his home at the top of the clock tower at Arnold Bernhard Library. Quinnipiac University, acknowledging that the town of Hamden hates old people, issued a statement apologizing for “ole man” Lahey’s actions. “I sometimes forget how old I am and what is appropriate for a man in my position of power,” wrote Lahey in a statement released on MyQ, the most reputable journalistic institution in Hamden. “I deeply regret having been filmed making these remarks, for which I sincerely apologize. At the next party I attend, I’ll make sure to buy all the cellphones.”
Even after his statement, the majority of the student population supported Lahey in his partying. “I think it’s that rich guy who give the town a couple million dollars every year or something, added Sophomore Brendan Russell, “you’d think he’d be allowed to party sometimes.”