Old Man Accidentally Wanders Into WiGo Party

Screen-Shot-2015-04-27-at-11.09.40-PMOver the weekend, an elderly man, confirmed to be John Lahey, was spotted at the WiGo-sponsored house party after wandering away from the supervision of Quinnipiac officials. While at the party, Mr. Lahey got a hold of the microphone and began to spout nonsense, which can be attributed entirely to his old age.

“I didn’t even know this street existed! I’m gonna have to buy all these houses,” said the clearly delusional old man. He continued by claiming to own “all of New Road and most of Whitney Avenue” as well.

Students at the party saw no problem with his statement. One student, Junior Trevor Everett said, “Old people are cool. But they can be forgetful of boundaries too. One time my grandma shit herself in a Burger King. So maybe it was kind of like that.”

Many Hamden residents were enraged by comments he made to one resident, identified only by his Facebook profile picture of a Ford Excursion, posting “the Fact that Prez Lahey supported yur party is even worse !! No respect!”

Other students added that the Hamden community should be more supportive of the elderly. “The poor old guy was just having a good time,” added Senior Lauren Pach. “He wore his cute little suit and everything to come out; cut the guy some slack, or rather some mozzarella!”

Following his brief appearance at the party, Lahey was spotted by police who promptly escorted him back to his home at the top of the clock tower at Arnold Bernhard Library. Quinnipiac University, acknowledging that the town of Hamden hates old people, issued a statement apologizing for “ole man” Lahey’s actions. “I sometimes forget how old I am and what is appropriate for a man in my position of power,” wrote Lahey in a statement released on MyQ, the most reputable journalistic institution in Hamden. “I deeply regret having been filmed making these remarks, for which I sincerely apologize. At the next party I attend, I’ll make sure to buy all the cellphones.”

Even after his statement, the majority of the student population supported Lahey in his partying. “I think it’s that rich guy who give the town a couple million dollars every year or something, added Sophomore Brendan Russell, “you’d think he’d be allowed to party sometimes.”

English Department Roasts Len Engel

roast of len engelAfter Leonard Engel announced his retirement, the English Department partnered with Comedy Central to host, “The Roast of Len Engel.” Led by roastmaster and Associate Professor of English Timothy Dansdill, all of the faculty members in the English Department, even the lowly adjunct professors, and Jeff Ross told good-natured jokes about Engel to honor his service to Quinnipiac.

“My dear friend Len Engel taught here for over 50 years,” said Dansdill, to the gathered crowd of 10,000. “That’s over five decades or, as his currents students like to say, 30 years too long! I kid, Len. You know you’re a hero to me and I wish you the happiest of retirements—except that you refuse to retire and will keep teaching Faulkner next fall,” said Dansdill. “I hear you will be privately tutoring President Lahey, who is writing a paper on The Sound and the Fury.

“You’re like a father to me, Len,” said Assistant Professor of English Kim O’Neill. “A creepy father who won’t stop whispering quotes from As I Lay Dying into my ear when I’m not paying attention. All jokes aside, you were a great mentor to me and the entire Quinnipiac community will miss your presence.”

However, it was not just teachers who got to tell jokes. “A lot of people don’t know this, but Professor Engel actually wanted to become a drummer when he was a college student, back in 1845,” said student Minnie Green to rapturous laughter. “I think I speak for all students that took his American Dream course when I say: You made a terrible mistake. But in all seriousness, I hated reading before I took that class and you completely changed my view on literature. You were the greatest teacher I ever had.”

“I tried to fire you, but then I saw that you had tenure,” said John Lahey, via Skype. “That’s all I have to say; please turn off the computer.”

Finally, Len Engel got to say his piece. “Is that the best you motherfuckers got? A couple of jokes about Faulkner and my age? You assholes are weak. I’m over 80 years old and I still take shits stronger than Jason Koo. If this is where the English Department is at, I’m worried…just kidding, guys. I appreciate the kind words and it was an honor to work here for the past five decades.”

We here at The Barnacle would like to pay tribute to Professor Len Engel on a rampaging Ahab of a career, filled with many sightings of his ever elusive “Moby Dick.”

First Year Seminar Hopefully Super Easy

seven-seas-tomoe-river-paper-pad-4We all know QU 101 was a failure. For the new First Year Seminar 101 course, I want to see material Quinnipiac students can benefit from learning about. For example, how do you tie shoelaces? Where do babies come from? What color belt matches my pants? And finally, do you have a pen I could borrow? That’s the kind of Personal Quest that I would like to embark upon during my four years of college. The final papers that we were asked to write in QU 101 were based solely on big ideas, which forced us to take the readings we were assigned for homework and use them to support our claims. When I’m given a final paper essay prompt, I want to know exactly how to write it without having to first take the class. I want to see the word “fetch” and respond accordingly by running to get my stick. None of the thinking the university so sadly tried to instate with the QU Seminar series is going to work unless we are baby-fed. I majored in communications so I wouldn’t have to think outside the box, my personal comfort zone. If I struggle when I try to balance equations, then by golly, I want to always be struggling when I try to balance equations. If I can’t move past the stage of development where I safely comprehend only that which is rooted in reality, then make the courses offered here reflect that I have the cognitive understanding of an eleven-year old. With all this talk about the QU Seminar changes, I’ve started thinking about other areas where the university could improve its effectiveness. For starters, we should be given a formal letter in our last semester at Quinnipiac that tells us exactly what job to get. And we should be given a comprehensive guide on how to go to parties. We want to learn something we can actually use in our lives. So I’ll put my stamp of approval on Personal Quest University, just so long as our guiding questions can be answered with a yes or no.

Discussion of Race Incredibly Successful

barnacle children's handsIn a groundbreaking discussion on race by the Quinnipiac sociology department, it was determined that racism is no longer a real problem within the Quinnipiac community.

In the discussion, headed primarily by white faculty members and attended primarily by white students, the topic of racism was determined to be unimportant. In fact, it was concluded that many students had never experienced racism at all.

The discussion was useful and no uncomfortable comments were made. When the topic of using federal funds to create higher quality public schools in impoverished neighborhoods was brought up, those present agreed that it would help minorities, and, by extension, the entire nation. Everyone then signed a petition to bring to congress.

Harold Coddsworth, a junior Communications major, responded to the developments with the same kind of fervor faculty and university officials displayed, stating, “As a white male, I think I speak for the majority on this campus when I say racism is as dead as a door nail.”

“Heck, I’ll even speak for the minority too and say they’re all having a great time here, too!” he added. Subsequently, all future discussions on race have been ended as a result of there no longer being a need to discuss race.

Despite this, certain students and faculty members still assert that a nearly homogeneous population within the Quinnipiac community is hurting the students who feel neglected or unwelcomed as a result of their race.

Sociology professor Dr. Quincy Wells quickly quenched the flames of this rumor.

“Those with concerns about race on this campus are dumb. That’s it and it’s all I have to say. I’m a smart professor so just trust me, ok?” Wells commanded to thunderous applause.

“Now let’s never talk about it again!” He added before scurrying out of the room through a tiny crack in the wall.

Justin Bieber Roasts, on High, at 350°

bieberJustin Bieber will appear on Comedy Central’s The Roast in the coming week. Kevin Hart will be hosting the event, which is an hour of quips, jabs, and verbal accusations at the pop star, all while he roasts slowly over a spit, at about 350°. The comments made by some of Hollywood’s finest will be accompanied by a light basting of the star, followed by the slow cook, which will leave Bieber offended and a nice golden brown.

People across the country will tune in, not only to see the wide range of stars, but also to see Bieber get what he deserves. After an hour of roasting, the Canadian will get served—apple in his mouth and all. Jennifer Lawrence is hoping to make a cameo and reprise her role as Katniss, shooting the apple right out of Bieber’s mouth, similar to her stunt in The Hunger Games.

Bieber has made no comment on this coming week’s event, but fans and stars alike have been talking for weeks about the spectacle. “I think the punk is getting what’s coming to him. He has been horrible to his fans, family, and has no respect for the law. Not only will he be flat out disrespected, but he’ll also roast to perfection. Actually, I’m in charge of the whole thing,” said Martha Stewart, home cook, creative genius, and businesswoman.

Some have been wondering what might happen to Stewart’s reputation after the roast, but stars and Bieber-haters are backing her up. “I think Martha is a wonderful cook! I’m sure she’ll be able to handle that boy. He’s her biggest project yet, but people have been waiting too long for this to be let down.” Said local friend of Stewart, Annie Watson.

The Canadian singer is set to roast on Monday. Until then, Stewart will be busy creating DIY “Past Your Prime” centerpieces and “Washed Up Pop Star” tablecloths for the occasion.

Alternative Spring Break Effectively Keeps White Guilt at Bay

DSC06132-resized-600All throughout the break social media was inundated with photos of impoverished children grinning cheerfully on the backs of their new, white Quinnipiac friends. With the vast greatness of philanthropy achieved in these third world countries, many QU students who participated in the experience breathed a sigh of relief as they felt the ever-present burden of white guilt lifted from their shoulders.

Carrol Endicott, a sophomore experiencing the country of Nicaragua for the first time reportedly had a great experience, playing and laughing with the young, poverty-stricken people of the beautiful Central American country.

“It just felt great helping out all those poor little brown kids. They just really need our help to teach them important stuff, like how to kill it in Instagram photos!” Endicott noted as she peered deadeye into her $600 smartphone. “It was so cute to see those children play on my phone and to see them try on my Oakley sunglasses. Plus, I got more retweets on that pic with the little girl in my arms than any other picture!” she added.

Another student, Jason Faber commented on his experience in Haiti, saying “It just feels so good to do something good, ya know? Like, it just feels right to help out all those poor people, just
like the ebola doctors do.”

“It’s kinda like repaying them for all that slavery crap and whatnot,” Faber added.

With the number of students attending the trips across the world increasing every year, more and more students are patting themselves on the back for their extensive work being the saviors of the international community.

Journalist Suspended For Asking A Question

10308224_10203472833046400_8198240007116458268_nLast week, a North Korean newspaper suspended a journalist indefinitely for asking a question to Kim Jong-un during the “2015 State of the NUKEion.”

Park Ji-sung, a staff writer for The North Korean Chronicle, asked Kim Jong-un, “Do you prefer boxers or briefs?” and was immediately thrown out of the auditorium.

“I tweeted the question with the #NUKEion at the end, but the moderators chose not to ask it. Considering that the supposedly annual ‘State of the NUKEion’ seems to happen as often as I eat, I thought this was my only chance to ask a question,” said Park, while looking for a job at a newspaper more interested in providing the news. “I feel that the people have a right to know what Kim Jong-un has under his pantsuit!”

The moderator of the event, a high-ranking member of Kim Jong-un’s cabinet, chose questions that he felt were “more worthy of our Supreme Leader” such as “Have you improved at golf?” and “Are you excited about St. Patrick’s Day?”

The North Korean Chronicle Editor-in-Chief Jo Tong-sop was unhappy about Park’s decision to ask a question that was not approved by the moderator. “The Chronicle has a certain way of doing journalism and Park’s inquisitiveness and dogged determination for the truth has no place at our newspaper,” said Jo. “In fact, I want to let it be known to the world: The Chronicle does not condone investigative journalism and wishes nothing but an unexamined and stress-free term for Kim Jong-un and all future North Korean leaders!”

In unrelated news, Kim Jong-un is considering giving a speech at Quinnipiac, stating his admiration of the school newspaper’s “journalistic integrity.”

Hillel House Cancels Annual ‘Latkes for Llamas’ Event

latkes for llamas-page-001In an effort to save the dwindling llama population, the Hillel House has previously held an annual event where latkes are served to the public in exchange for a donation to the Llama Rescue Fund. This year, objection from a one-person interest group resulted in the postponement and potential cancelling of what has become a tradition at Quinnipiac University.

“I like the event because it brings the community together. Jews, non-Jews, llama-lovers, those who hate llamas–they all come together on this special day,” stated sophomore political science major Wanda Moretti.

While the majority of students side with reinstating “Latkes for Llamas,” the recently formed dissenters group, Polly Fraiture For Llamas, are working to bring repercussions to the Hillel House for their appropriation of Jewish culture.

“Not all Jews like latkes,” stated the leader of the opposition, senior Polly Fraiture. Her criticism against a pro-llama cause despite the fact that she owns a llama rescue farm in their natural habitat, Bridgeport.

“And for Hillel House to perpetuate a stereotype while pretending to be altruistic and llama-loving…it’s shameful,” she continued.

Many Jewish students view Fraiture’s objection as “an overreaction,” citing their mostly ambivalent feelings towards latkes, and the tradition of occasionally eating latkes in their households, as enough to warrant the serving of latkes at the Hillel House’s charity function.

“Fraiture’s a bitch,” said senior James Moore. “If someone doesn’t agree with my point of view, they deserve to die. Fraiture is just one of many who need to learn how to appropriate MY culture and shape the fuck up.”

Officials are also investigating the claim that the Hillel House often gives out yarmulkes, even though women can’t wear them. Students will be given an opportunity to voice their concerns on this and related matters at a public forum tonight, but they shouldn’t express too much of an opinion, unless they are prepared to face the wrath of Greek Life.

Bookstore To Sell Commemorative Hockey Tie Ties

What type of bookstore has a whole section of clothes? A terrible one.
The Quinnipiac Bookstore: Now with more clothes.

After a series of 2-2 ties against Yale and Brown, respectively, Quinnipiac Men’s Hockey will provide the theme of a series of commemorative ties to be sold by the bookstore.

While both games were hotly anticipated, particularly the Yale game, students left the games disappointed and confused, especially when the Bobcats were awarded the Cleary Cup. “So is the Cleary Cup the award for the most ties?” said sophomore Denise Richson. “If so, I really wish the team wouldn’t make this a priority next season.”

Sally Edelstien, the head of the bookstore, immediately ordered the ties upon seeing the second tie against Brown. “When we were the top seed in the nation, we were selling hockey apparel like hot cakes…or should I say ice cakes,” said Edelstein, laughing to herself. “No, but like hot cakes. But ever since the team got worse, no one seems to want to buy anything, from the Rand Pecknold bobbleheads to the autographed Matthew Peca calendar. That’s when it hit me!”

The ties have the score “2-2” written over and over again, with a Yale or Brown logo at the top. They also come with instructions on the many different ways to tie them and how to recruit 25 year old Canadian men to play hockey in Connecticut. They cost $80 each or $159 for both. “We just couldn’t pass up this chance to create a subpar product that preys on student’s unwavering devotion to this school’s male sports teams!”

If the tie becomes a success, three are plans for more commemorative ties for events such as the opening of the Carl Hansen Student Center and the time John Lahey fired those faculty members for no reason.

Student Gives Inspiring Speech To Madden Team

madden2After making sure he was the only person in the room, Sophomore Gary Fendleson gave an inspiring speech to his television, intended for the pixels that make up the video game “Madden 15.” Fendleson, who quit playing football in middle school, wanted to make sure his players realized how important the next game was.

“I turned the difficulty level to All-Pro for this franchise,” said an excited Fendleson. “That’s pretty hard. I was the Cleveland Browns and we were 9-6 going into the last game against the Baltimore Ravens. The winner won the division and made the playoffs, while the loser went home. My guys needed something extra and I knew it had to come from me.”

After watching hours of game tape on the Baltimore Ravens, Fendleson said to his pixels, “We’re as ready as we’ll ever be, boys. Those idiots down in Baltimore think you’re soft and I’m starting to think they’re right. Do you think they’re right?” Fendelson paused for dramatic effect, imagining Johnny Manziel and Joe Haden looking up to him, when, in reality, they were thousands of miles away, oblivious to Fendelson’s existence.

“We can climb out of hell, one inch at a time….That’s football guys,” Fendelson finished, after plagiarizing the main speech from Any Given Sunday. Fendleson, visibly emotional, started crying, only stopping to say, “Let’s go beat those fucking Ravens!”

Gary Fendelson’s pixels beat the Computer’s pixels 33-14, which gave Fendelson fleeting happiness that will soon disappear, leaving him empty and alone.

Clint Eastwood Apologizes For Depiction Of Babies

Barnacle fake babyAmerican Sniper has generated lots of controversy since its release, receiving scrutiny for its portrayal of Iraqi people, and more importantly, using a fake baby on set. Many members of the public have expressed “shock” and “disappointment” at the film’s depiction of a human baby, and Clint Eastwood, director of the film, is even more shocked.

“This is as much a surprise to me as it was for audience members,” Eastwood conceded. “I honestly do not remember if I hired a real baby and a plastic one showed up in its place or if I wrote out a contract for a plastic baby initially,” he continued.
Due to the film’s truthful depiction of the Iraqi war, many have expressed concern that not all parts of the movie were honest depictions of the real world, and some have been looking to the directors to clear up some of the gray areas. In response, Eastwood stated Monday that he was not convinced the baby was fake, and warned audience members not to lose sight of what real babies are. As to the rest of the film, Eastwood assured audiences that the guns were real but the people who were shot were not harmed. “And I don’t believe actress Sienna Miller married Bradley Cooper, but at this point I’m not confident enough to give a definitive answer,” he added.

“With this new knowledge, I find myself thoroughly disappointed. Using a fake baby instead of a real one is not only an inaccurate portrayal of human babies, it also reveals how little the people at Eastwood’s Malpaso Productions care about babies,” voiced Tamara Haverford, a concerned fan.

Some say that the fake baby was in no way offensive, while others believe that the fake baby will make people think that all babies are made out of stiff plastic, which is something “the film did [not] want to imply.” Even with all the recent criticism of the film, however, it continues to be a hit at the box office, and reportedly gained in popularity after the secret was leaked.

“This has become embarrassing for Sienna and I,” said Bradley Cooper. “We were assured the baby was just tired, not plastic, and now we look like fools for carrying around a plastic doll,” Cooper continued.

After a meeting with an anti-American Sniper group called “Babies are Real,” Eastwood expressed his deep regret in creating a film with such a confusing angle on babies, and he hopes that movie-goers can ignore this “common mistake.”

This Year’s Super Bowl Was an Exciting and Effective Reminder of Our Inevitable Demise

Pictured: A Much Needed Reminder That Nobody Is Safe From the Icy Grip of Death
Pictured: The Looming Specter of Death Itself

For many people the Super Bowl ads are as much a draw on Sunday night as the game itself. This year was no different, and boy did they deliver: this year had some of the most clever and effective reminders of our impending demise I have ever witnessed. Never before have I been so thoroughly confronted with my own fragile mortality in a 30 second ad spot. I was completely captivated by the ephemeral nature of our existence and how even now, at this young age, death awaits us: a darkness on the horizon, there to usher us to our inescapable oblivion. Imagine my surprise then when I found out my friends were calling this year’s ads “disappointing.”

I couldn’t believe it either, and I couldn’t disagree more. Take for instance the much discussed Nationwide spot: Has there ever been a more potent reminder that your child will eventually die, very likely before his time? Much like life, the ad starts sweet and careless, a wistful child without a worry in the world. Then suddenly we come to the  realization that death can strike arbitrarily and without warning, sparing not the innocent, rendering you and your loved ones another lost soul in the void, forever a memory and nothing more. Now that’s an ad that gets across the value of life, let alone life insurance.

But now I’m worried that all this negative feedback toward the ad might make these companies reconsider playing at the deepest held fear of our child’s untimely end in order to make a profit. We should never shy away from the inevitability of our downfall, especially during a football game. It is during these times, 6 pm drunk before the big game, that it is best to be reminded of the brevity and uncertainty of our lives and the lives of our loved ones. These marketing tactics serve an important role: if we don’t support Nationwide exploiting the image of our dying children in order to manipulate us into buying their products, then how will we ever learn to embrace the cold, grim grip of death?

Sociology Professor Revealed To Be 565th Highest Paid Employee At Quinnipiac

dv1453015.jpgIn the same study that found John Lahey to be the second-highest paid private university president in the country, sociology professor Randy McClain was revealed to be the 565th highest paid Quinnipiac University employee.

While Lahey, in his 25th year as president, made $3.8 million in 2012, McClain, in his first year of teaching sociology, made $28,000, which takes .72 students paying full tuition to cover the entire cost of his salary

Vice President for Public Affairs Lynn Bushnell said, “While most of Lahey’s reported income is from his fully covered retirement plan, McClain’s salary will ensure that he will never be able to retire, which is something we’re really quite proud to ensure of virtually all of our professors.”

This study also revealed that professors are the lowest paid group on campus, while the alumni relations staff members were the second highest. “This school isn’t about the books. It’s about the people, like the Chartwells employee who frowns when you don’t include all five food groups in your wrap or the public safety officer who doesn’t believe you go here, despite seeing your QCard. These people are what makes Quinnipiac the perfectly mediocre New England institution that we all know and loathe,” said Bushnell, taking a break from being John Lahey’s mouthpiece.

Despite realizing that there were 564 higher paid employees, including three different part-time Zamboni operators at the TD Bank Sports Center, McClain is happy with his salary. “Listen, if I was looking to make some money, I wouldn’t have gotten into the sociology game,” said McClain. “I teach sociology because I love teaching kids, plain and simple. Unfortunately, they cut three of my classes to pay for John Lahey’s retirement, so I only get to see those faces once a week. But don’t feel bad for me: I still make more money than those FVI teachers. I mean, what the fuck do they do?”

John Lahey couldn’t be reached for comment and was reportedly busy developing new hobbies, fishing, and traveling the world while professors were trying to teach students.

Black Male Teenagers Still At Large

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAfter a St. Louis County grand jury failed to indict police officer Darren Wilson in the August shooting of Michael Brown, law enforcement officials across the country have turned their attention to ridding the streets of the unarmed black teenagers that have been terrorizing the country.

Police stations across the country have adopted a new policy called, “If You See A Black Something, Say Something,” which encourages citizens to call police officers if they see black people, specifically male teenagers, unaccompanied or traveling in groups. In turn, a police officer will immediately investigate, armed with riot gear, tanks, and four different machine guns. With all of this heavy artillery, officers will no longer carry tasers, mace, or even handcuffs.

“The days of black teenagers killing cops, with their superhero strength and Teflon-like body, are over,” said local Chief of Police Thomas Rankin. “If I see an unarmed black teenager, you better believe I got my hand on my gun, because if they turn on you, and they always do, you got to be ready. If he’s wearing a hoodie, I’m firing five rounds at his feet. If he turns his back to me to leave, I’m aiming to kill.”

While this strategy has only just been put into place, Quinnipiac Public Safety has adopted the policy with immediate effect. “Nothing is more important than safety and security and, as you learned when we gave guns to our unqualified officers, Quinnipiac will always overreact to real-world events,” said Head of Public Safety David Barger, who recently got the phrase “Nothing is more important than safety and security,” tattooed on his chest.

The Quinnipiac faculty and staff are in support of this new policy. “I made eye contact with this hulking black boy and he started walking towards me. I didn’t know what to do, so I called Public Safety, who said they would come immediately. Before they got there though, the black boy smiled at me and said, ‘Can I please have a cheeseburger?’ said Marlene Peterson, head chef of the burger station in the cafeteria. “It was a harrowing experience, but I felt much better knowing that three men on golf carts, with no gun experience, were equipped with machine guns and on the way.”

In addition to “If You See A Black Something, Say Something,” black male teenagers will be forced to put their names in the 1/2 Rights Registry, which lets different groups of people know that they have less rights than the general populace. In addition to black male teenagers, the 1/2 Rights Registry also includes Latin Americans, Native Americans, families below the poverty line, homosexuals, and females of any age or race. This is not to be confused with the 1 1/2 Rights Registry, which includes white males, celebrities, white males, the top one percent, white males, police officers, and white males.

At this writing, President Barack Obama has not commented on the new policy, but was reportedly repeating the phrase, “I’m asking anyone who protests to do so peacefully,” while staring at himself in the mirror.

Alan Johnson Unable To Continue Writing For The Barnacle As NCSA Reviews Transcript Fraud

alan suspendedJunior Alan Johnson will not write satirical articles for The Quinnipiac Barnacle, pending a NCSA investigation into fraud found in his transcript.

Jane Randall, a spokesperson for the National Collegiate Satire Association (NCSA), said, “We have issued a temporary waiver allowing Alan Johnson to continue his studies at the university for the remainder of the fall semester, but he is prohibited from writing satire until the NCSA issues a final decision.”

Johnson, who was the co-editor-in-chief of The Barnacle, transferred to Quinnipiac from Brookhaven Community College, where he received grades of A++ in classes such as “Can You Read The Cat In The Hat?” and “Colors For Dummies,” both classes designed specifically for satire students.

The current investigation has revealed that these classes didn’t exist and satirists, like Johnson, were automatically given A’s and B’s.

“There is no truth to any of these claims made by the NCSA,” said Johnson, in an exclusive interview with The Barnacle. “How else would I know that magenta was created by French chemist Francois-Emmanuel Verguin? It’s a senseless witch-hunt, designed to stifle cutting edge satire, like ‘John Lahey Eats A Student,’ or ‘Sugar Ray Reunites For My Cousin’s Bar Mitzvah.’ I’m the greatest satirical mind of our generation!”

Johnson, a native of Dallas, TX, averaged 200 views and 6 “LOL”s per article with The Brookhaven Scurrier, a parody of The Brookhaven Courier. However, their faculty advisor, Kent Stanhope, has been fired for forging his signature on a number of Scurrier reporter’s transcripts. The Brookhaven Scurrier has been suspended during the investigations.

Recently court-appointed Barnacle faculty advisor Timothy Dansdill was unhappy about Johnson’s suspension. “I had big hopes for him this year. He’s the only one who has questioned Albert Schweitzer about the many skeletons in his closet. I fear that, with his suspension, we’ll never find a complete skeleton, let alone a bone.”

We at The Barnacle proudly abandon our former co-editor-in-chief in his time of need.

Student Offends Frog Community With Green Face Kermit Costume

Kermit-two1Sophomore John Abrahamson caused an international incident in the frog community when his Kermit the Frog with green face costume went viral. Abrahamson attended his friend’s Halloween party, where his costume garnered critical acclaim. However, once his friends posted a picture of him in costume to Reddit, the frog community took umbrage to his racially insensitive portrayal of the leader of the Frog Rights Movement.

Michigan J. Frog, the former mascot of the WB Network and current spokesman for the National Association for the Advancement of Cool Amphibians (NAACA), said, “Frogs like Kermit didn’t fight the good fight just so people like John Abrahamson could go around painting their faces green for a laugh. If Jim Henson was alive to see this, you can bet he would have addressed this on Sesame Street.”

For his part, Abrahamson expressed deep guilt for any harm he may have caused. “I just love singing “The Rainbow Connection” and I didn’t want to wear a mask,” said Abrahamson, at a press conference shown around the world. “I just want it to be known that some of my best friends are amphibians and I mean no ill will to them.”

Abrahamson is not the only one in trouble for this costume. The Department of Cultural and Global Engagement recently put up a series of posters around campus that said, “This is a culture, not a costume. Avoid the single story stereotype.” These posters had students holding pictures costumes that are considered offensive to African-Americans, Native Americans, Muslims, and even white people, the normally forgotten minority ethnic group. Noticeably missing from the series of posters? An amphibian.

This contributed to the outrage on Abrahamson’s costume. “This kid doesn’t know any better. He’s just trying to convince some poor girl to kiss him,” said Michigan J. Frog, repeatedly banging his cane on the floor. “However, this school should really know better. Maybe he wouldn’t have even thought about applying green face if Quinnipiac cared about amphibians! Even putting a little salamander on a poster would go a long way.”

Abrahamson’s girlfriend, who dressed as “Slutty Miss Piggy,” has yet to hear a response from the pig community, but has been invited to many Furry conventions.

Armed Public Safety Officers Prevent School Shootings

PicAdmin2As Public Safety officers take up arms to protect Quinnipiac, Public Safety’s David Barger is pleased to announce there has been a drastically low number of on-campus shootings.

When reached for comment on the new policy and its effectiveness, Barger said, “As public safety officers, it is our duty to maintain the peace at QU. Since this new policy was put in place we have done just that.”

Attributing the lack of shootings to this revolutionary new policy, Barger added “Not only do the officers look bad-ass now that they’ve got guns, but they have also done something about safety too.”

While students are ecstatic over the lack of death, some public safety officers are bit less enthusiastic about the news.

“When I heard I could start carrying a gun I was like, ‘dang that’s pretty cool,’ but I’m pretty disappointed with how useless it actually is. Like, I haven’t even gotten to point it anyone yet,” said Officer Jason Guidera.

“I thought of all these witty one-liners to say as I blasted some punk’s brains out, but nope, I haven’t used a single one. How can I be a hero if there is only pretend danger?” he added.

In the following weeks, Public Safety will be under the scrutiny of the public eye to keep up the charade that they are relevant.

Film Review From Greatest Filmmaker Of All Time’s Perspective

citizen-kaneThe Student Programming Board recently showed Citizen Kane over the weekend, an extremely odd movie by the famous Orson Welles.

As a former film major, Vine veteran of 10 months and a Metropolitan Film Award nominee in New Jersey (It was an honor to be nominated, but I lost to the excellent video “Dog Shitting On iPad”), I am quite clearly well equipped to review Citizen Kane, the film that many deem to be the greatest of all time.

But not this critic.

Directed by very famous Orson Welles, Citizen Kane is the story of a group of reporters who are trying to decipher the last word ever spoke by Charles Foster Kane, the millionaire newspaper tycoon: “Rosebud.” The film begins with a newsreel detailing Kane’s life for the masses, and then from there, we are shown flashbacks from Kane’s life. As the reporters investigate further, the viewers see a display of a fascinating man’s rise to fame, and how he eventually fell off the “top of the world,” but my question is: what is the point?

Right off the bat, I don’t get the feel that Kane is a newspaper tycoon. Kane, played by extremely famous Orson Welles, just does not seem to have the relationship with newspapers that a real newspaperman has. As a former film major, I know that there is a certain amount of love and care that a newspaperman must shower a newspaper with. Kane throws around a newspaper like he doesn’t care that the newspaper has feelings. Shame on you, Charles Foster Kane.

In my years of filmmaker (once again, I must mention I was nominated for a Metropolitan Film Award in the filmmaking hotbed of New Jersey), I’ve learned everything must be done with a purpose, and I didn’t get that sense from this “alleged” classic of cinema.

Before the screening began, an SPB member warned the audience that the film would be shown in “black and white,” meaning the film would not be shown in color.

It started with a scene outside, then a scene indoors, then a scene in a theater, then a scene in a newsroom. At one point, Kane dies and the scene is still in black and white!!!

As the preeminent filmmaker of our generation, I just cannot fathom why the, by most accounts, incredibly famous filmmaker Orson Welles decided to make the film in black and white. When there is no color on the screen, it distracts the audience, because our world is in color. Don’t you understand that, exceedingly famous Orson Welles? The audience is now shifting their attention to thinking about their favorite colors. I know I was thinking about magenta, not “Rosebud.” These random thoughts of colors really distracted me, making it extremely difficult for the greatest filmmaker of all time to concentrate on the film.

I must give credit to the actors, including Joseph Cotten and the absurdly famous Orson Welles, who were able to memorize pages of dialogue and deliver without any mistakes in the finished product, which is quite the accomplishment.

Overall, though, I wasn’t thrilled with SPB’s choice of screening Citizen Kane, but the programming board did the best they could to make viewers watch something that doesn’t show a superhero or a Nicholas Sparks character–something we can really buy in to.

A Night With The Barnacle (and College Humor’s Adam Conover)

conoverHey, I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, I love reading the Barnacle! I wish I could hang out with all those handsome, sexy writers. Boy, that would be grand!”

The answer to such naïve spectacles of stupidity would usually be met with a deep, condescending laugh because we know we are better than you. But that usual foray is about to be abandoned.

This here is your lucky day, boys and girls! October 18th is the date to come meet all of the Barnacle staff writers in Burt Kahn.

Starting at 10:00pm, The Barnacle will be putting on an event with QU After Dark. Surprisingly, this event is actually going to be pretty good!

Not only will we be there, performing an amazing routine for you all to feast your unworthy eyes upon, but we will also be graced with the presence of Quinnipiac’s own improv group, “The Right Amount of Silence” and College Humor’s Adam Conover!

If simply seeing our beautiful faces wasn’t enough, we, along with QUAD have provided these other acts to feed your insatiable hunger for comedy.

Geez, we already print a newspaper and publish articles online. Get off our back about this!

Sorry, the pressures of being famous almost got to me, but anyways, y’all should come join us. It is gonna be a fun time. There is going to be some free Ray and Mikes subs and other yummies.  So you should definitely come.

We worked really hard on this so we would really appreciate you coming. Remember, October 18th at 10pm in Burt Kahn. It’s really simple to get to and we promise it will be fun.

This really isn’t a joke. Please come! We need you. Please, we are begging you. Just join us if you can.

I just want you to be there for me. You were never there for me! Can’t you just come to one of my recitals for once, Dad!

Um…sorry about that. So, yeah. The Barnacle Live featuring us, “The Right Amount of Silence,” and College Humor’s Adam Conover!

York Hill Voted Worst Ski Resort in New England

largeIn the latest report from New England Ski Review, York Hill was voted the worst ski resort in New England. York Hill, located half a mile from the Mount Carmel Campus, is home to the Rocky Top Student Center and the TD Bank Sports Center, but has a conspicuous lack of gondolas, restaurants, or ski equipment.

Alvin Schmeler, the premiere ski resort expert of this or any other generation, was generally unimpressed with York Hill’s facilities, at least how they pertained to skiing. “The dearth of snow in the fall truly makes it difficult to find good slopes to traverse, but that is an understandable problem,” wrote Schmeler. “However, when it does snow in the winter, the many trees and buildings get in the way. Plus, every fifteen minutes or so, a bus drives by full of people. Even for the most dangerous of thrill-seekers, this slope is completely unsafe. It’s truly a wonder that the United States Skiing Federations (USSF), has yet to levy sanctions against York Hill.”

The poor review will be a blow to York Hill’s winter tourism, which is responsible for most of Hamden’s local economy. Many residents place the blame for York Hill’s failings as a ski resort on the fact that it houses many Quinnipiac students. “Get the kids off and make it a hotel,” says Dave Roduso, a local auto mechanic. “Then we’ll change the stadium into a performance arena and hire Billy Joel to perform in residency there. Man, I love “Uptown Girl.”

The one bright spot in Schmeler’s review was the food. “At most ski resorts, you’ll see fondue, pot roast, or even sushi. But I respect York Hill for providing individually designed pizzas, wraps, stale rice, and even a salad bar! It’s not everyday you can put spinach on a pizza. The resort gets a ½ star, but the restaurant is nothing, if not 5 stars.”

Singer Does It for the Music, the Ass

Barnacle singerIn a recent interview, a local musician revealed her stance on her growing popularity, stating, “I don’t do it for the money–I do it for the music, and for the ass.”

After years of struggling with little fan support, the musician praised “the hot ass” she received from loyal fans and even random onlookers at her performances as the reason she performs.

“That’s my motivation to get up in the morning and write music,” she continued.

The artist’s decision to remain anonymous is a testament to her dedication to authentic music. She wants her fans to pay attention to her songs, not her increasingly “big” name. She wants her potential sexual mates to provide their asses to her “not because I’m becoming a popular star, but because of the music I put out,” the singer voiced.

When approached for comment, local fan Rupert Valensi agreed that the musician in question isn’t selling out. “She really makes her shows intimate. She sings what she wants, mostly at small venues, and then ends the night by taking a piece of ass out to her Jeep Cherokee.”

“It’s a unique experience,” he contended.

While her increasingly sought after, but rather exclusive tickets continue to sell to a more mainstream crowd, the musician makes no changes to the way she performs.

In her latest interview, the singer revealed plans to tour and refused to address multiple rumors of auto tuning the vocals on her recorded albums.

Fall Fest Canceled on Account of We’re All Drunk

10665867_10153261954958298_4168658406508590876_nIn a move that is sure to anger Quinnipiac’s devoted Jana Kramer fan base, the University has canceled Fall Fest three days early due to the intoxication of the entire student body. No new date has been scheduled for the event.

“We had no choice but to cancel the event,” said President John Lahey, “The decision seemed like a no-brainer when I witnessed two girls in cowgirl boots puking in the library at 11:30 on a Wednesday morning.”

Many of the students were angered by the news, and felt the school wasn’t taking into consideration what country music is all about.

“Yeah, well so what if I’m drunk! I’m pre-gaming!” said Junior Legal Studies major Mike Grady.

“Country music is all about getting trashed in the parking lot and being cowboys anyways,” he continued as he discarded his straw hat.

Other students argued that the school didn’t take the feelings of would-be audience members into consideration.

“It’s so unfair!” wailed a noticeably intoxicated Sarah Jones, “President Lahey KNOWS I love Tyler Barham!”

When contacted for questions, all three artists scheduled to perform this weekend claimed they had never heard of Fall Fest and said their only familiarity with Quinnipiac was that is was “the school where those assholes ‘Capital Cities’ performed.”

“We tried making the transition as smooth as possible, giving the student body the time and the space they needed to come to terms with this new reality,” insisted Mary E. Zaffino, Executive Assistant to the Executive Vice President.

The school has left itself with a problem “more serious than the indifference of country superstars toward our university,” Zaffino continued, “and more serious than thousands of drunk teenagers being inconsolably disappointed.”

Zaffino reportedly has delegated to public safety on this main issue of an angry, drunk, and flannel-clad student body still stumbling around the parking lots two days before the weekend is set to begin, now without a cause.

New Haven Shuttles Halted to Allow Drivers to Become Better Acquainted

Barnacle Bus StopTo begin this new school year, weekend shuttles into New Haven were canceled in order to allow the shuttle drivers to become better acquainted. It’s a move that has been highly criticized by many of Quinnipiac’s class of 2018, and highly praised by many of Quinnipiac’s shuttle drivers.

“It seemed like the pretty obvious thing to do,” said Head of Public Safety David Barger, “the shuttles just run smoother when the drivers know they’re working with friends.”

Despite the increase in productivity and job satisfaction on the side of the shuttle drivers, the changes have left many of the freshmen upset, as they are unsure what they will now do on the weekends.

“I had already wandered drunk to the Bobcat about a billion times,” said freshman Shelly Poleman,

“I think it’s my right to be able to wander drunk through the slick city streets of New Haven.”

“I’m so sick of carting around these ungrateful, spoiled, motherfucking kids,” said Ron Clarke, shuttle driver and shuttle shutdown supporter.

“It’s about time I’m able to get drunk off of cheap liquor and get jiggy at Toads,” Clarke continued.

In the end, both sides seemed to have received some benefit. By the time freshman shuttles to New Haven were back in service, the drivers had huge smiles on their faces and even bigger EDM playlists for the ride.

 

 

Yeezus Performs Miracle, Makes Disabled Person Stand at Concert

Rapper KanyMTE1ODA0OTcxNDc4MTg5NTgxe West, also known as Yeezus, performed a miracle earlier this week at his latest concert. Two disabled people, one in a wheelchair and the other with a prosthetic, stayed seated until Yeezus commanded, “And may the disabled people stand, or this concert shall not continue.”

People were astonished that with just that one statement, the two people struggled to their feet.

“It was just amazing, the way that Yeezus could just command something like this and have it really happen!” concert-goer Mathew Proffet exclaimed.

He was among many to witness this feat, including his three other Quinnipiac University fraternity brothers Mark, Luke, and John.

“I’ve got to tweet this!” John said, immediately whipping out his phone and spreading word of what Yeezus had done to all of social media.

Though many music fans were convinced, local mayor Roman Leeder was not. “It’s just a bunch of lies! There’s no way he could have made them stand. I say we take this Yeezus and put him on the cross…on the crossed off list of ‘Most Influential Rappers of All-Time!’ That’ll show him,” Leeder proclaimed.

Though the concert has come to pass and Yeezus is now just a rapper heard through his many albums, there will forever be a debate of whether Yeezus was truly capable of such amazing wonders.

Jennifer Lawrence: Don’t Own Things If You Don’t Want Us To Steal Them

jennifer lawrenceHey J-Law? You’re not allowed to own things AND expect we won’t steal them or invade your privacy. You knew you were getting into this when you decided to express your creativity through art, so don’t act all surprised when we hack into your computer, steal your private photos and information, and then plaster it all over the web. You signed up for this, Jennifer Lawrence!

Your life is great, but you’ve got to have some trade-offs. You’re rich beyond your wildest dreams (through your Oscar-winning talent and hard work), but you’ve got to deal with most of America masturbating to grainy pictures of vagina. And that’s just life. I looked at your pictures. Hell, I downloaded your pictures and designed a wallpaper for my computer background. But I’m not some sort of pervert. You’re the pervert!

I would never try to hack into my co-worker’s computer and download her naked pictures. I don’t want to see Sharon from accounting’s business or Jessica from HR’s taint. Don’t even make me imagine Ethel Bethesda’s stretch marks. She still hasn’t lost that baby weight, even though her son just finished middle school–what an absolute sloth. But you, Jennifer Lawrence? I could look at you all day! I see you in movies, talk shows, and on magazine covers, all things that will eventually be tainted with strangers’ sexuality, and I think “I’m gonna buy this magazine to gawk at with my friends,” because, although you’re a very present member of the entertainment world and frequent masturbatory tool, you’re definitely not a person.

 

 

 

 

We’ve had an Accredited Women’s Rugby Team This Whole Time!

rugbySince its birth in the fall of 2010, Quinnipiac University’s Women’s Rugby Team has made exceptional strides in the world of college athletics. Player Natalie Kosko won Athlete of the Month in September. This past weekend, the team brought the school a 50-17 victory against the Army Black Knights. But you wouldn’t know this without top-secret investigators, a microscope, a Sherlock Holmes–style cloak, or if your only source of athletic news was The Quinnipiac Chronicle.

Day after day, I’ve scoured the campus in search of a sport violent enough and aggressive enough to pique my interest. With men’s hockey as the standard for sports entertainment at this university, my expectations of bloodlust in athletics are pretty high. I read the Sports section of The Chronicle each week, desperate to find something fast-paced. Basketball fits the bill in that aspect, but I want to be out on a field, and I want to see a fresh team whose progress is groundbreaking; I want to watch women’s rugby.

As an avid reader of The Quinnipiac Chronicle, I thought I had access to the latest information about our school. However, I had to eavesdrop on a secret meeting between the omniscient editor-and-chief and his minions to learn about the secret they’ve held under wraps since I started my college education—we have a rugby team.

QBSN tells us the breaking news that eight NCAA Institutions, Quinnipiac included, have come together under the National Collegiate Varsity Women’s Rugby Association, but I simply cannot find a word about it on The Chronicle’s website or in the newest issue of their paper. Maybe I misread it? Maybe I’ve misread every issue of the paper since October 2013? Why is this information so hard to come by in a newspaper that supposedly supports equality in journalism?

Once I confronted The Chronicle about their exclusion of the women’s rugby team in their newspapers, I received a stern talking to and was told that the team is “just a passing trend, like the pet rock.”

I was told that my complaints “tarnished The Chronicle’s good name,” before the editor-in-chief sped off into the night, cackling and throwing stones.

As a longtime admirer of journalistic integrity, I must suggest that, if telling the truth about The Chronicle’s journalism is “defacing” the organization, then maybe they should consider changing the realities of their paper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NFL Find Video of Josh Gordon Smoking Marijuana, Extend Suspension for Six Seasons

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Press ConferenceAfter uncovering a video of Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon smoking marijuana, the NFL has decided to extend his suspension by six more seasons. In May, Gordon tested positive for marijuana and was banned for the entire season. However, after a video of Gordon smoking out of a bong was released by TMZ, the NFL was quick to add an extra six seasons. This comes in the wake of former Baltimore Raven’s running back Ray Rice getting suspended indefinitely for domestic violence after a video was released, despite initially getting only two games.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was the man in charge of these decisions. “I’m proud of how quickly I acted once the video was released,” said Goodell, while sitting on a very high horse. “There’s no room in football for marijuana or the players who smoke it, especially when they film themselves doing so. Oh, and what Ray Rice did was bad too.”

When asked if he had seen either video before deciding his initial punishment, Goodell said he had not, but his computer was “on the fritz” anyway. “I didn’t know the videos existed, but even if I did, there is no way I could have seen the video on this hunk of junk,” Goodell said, as he gently patted his new high-end iMac. “Now, if you excuse me, I have to call the IT department to help me erase my harddriv—I mean, help me install Microsoft Office.”

Ray Rice’s wife, Janay Palmer, wants to apologize for her part in the incident and hopes everyone will move on. “I shouldn’t have smoked so much weed,” said a remorseful Palmer. “Maybe then, I wouldn’t have forced Ray into knocking me out cold in that elevator. People like Josh Gordon should be ashamed of themselves for being such a terrible role model for people like me. I hope they never let him play again.”

Josh Gordon declined to comment for this story, saying he was too busy “sharing a joint with my wonderful wife,” to give a quote, but Ray Rice did make a statement. “With Janay’s apology, I hope we can all move on with our lives and focus on the important things, like Wes Welker doing ecstasy at the Kentucky Derby, and I can go back to averaging 2.4 yards a carry, while Josh Gordon washes cars this year. Thank you and God bless the NFL.”

Bomb Scare Cut Short by Quinnipiac Graduation Ceremony

784498_52945657A Quinnipiac University bomb threat was postponed Sunday after the school’s third graduation ceremony. The bomb threat was scheduled for 6 PM on the quad, but the College of Arts and Sciences graduation ceremony quickly ended the school’s first scare of the season.

Many students were disappointed about being unable to enjoy their bomb scare out on the quad, including History major Gary Morris.

“All of the other graduation ceremonies weren’t scheduled during the bomb scare, so why did ours have to be?” stated an angry Morris.

“It’s just really unfair that we didn’t get the chance to experience our bomb scare on the beautiful campus where we spent the majority of our undergraduate years,” he continued. “Instead, we sat at TD Bank, taking pictures with the family members we told our parents not to invite.”

David Barger, head of Public Safety, reportedly put the health of students ahead of their love of danger on the quad, a move many students have questioned.

“Look, I love a good bomb threat on the quad just as much as the next guy,” said Barger. “But we just cannot afford for people to be blown up on campus. I mean, think of the costs to clean up all of the bloody carcasses off campus. We’d have to lay off at least a dozen more foreign language professors.”

The graduation ceremony was held successfully last night, but there is still no word on when the bomb threat will be rescheduled.

It’s Been an Honor Working With You Assholes

headshot_billyAs I prepare for the next stage of my life after graduation, I can’t help but look back at the last four years in awe. When I started as a staff writer for the Quinnipiac Barnacle freshmen year, I never expected that it would so quickly become such an integral part of my experience on campus, much less that I would eventually become Co-Editor-in-Chief. Now, looking back, I can point to my time at the Barnacle as some of the most memorable. To my staff: we have suffered together and built something amazing on campus, and now that I am looking back at it, all I can say is that it’s been an honor working with you lazy assholes.

I know it may be cliché to say, but you insufferable mouth-breathing fuckers have become family to me. Whether it’s working closely with you to help develop a story or (much more likely) having you waste my precious time correcting every goddamn mistake you make, it’s been a privilege for me to be a part of it. The messes you guys have made of even the simplest tasks that a kindergartner could do will no doubt be some my most enduring memories of my time here.

I will miss you all greatly. I wish you assholes all the luck in the world next year, but I know you won’t need it, because you guys will probably fuck it all up no matter what I say.

Student Sexiles Roommate to Masturbate Alone

Picture1Following an unsuccessful night at Toad’s, freshman Richard Warnock reportedly kicked his roommate out for the lone purpose of a masturbation session.

Warnock, extremely horny and incredibly lonely, tried to quickly make up an excuse to use the room upon returning to his dorm room. After dismissing excuses like, “I need to call my parents,” or “I need to change my clothes,” Warnock settled on telling his roommate Frank Bale, that he had “a goddamn dime” on the way to their room.

Bale, being so happy that Warnock was finally getting laid, hurriedly gathered his things, gave Warnock a condom, and left the room. After about five minutes, Bale realized he left his wallet in the room and went back to retrieve it, thinking that the girl would not be there yet. However, when Bale opened the door, he saw Warnock furiously masturbating on their futon completely naked, watching a pirated version of “Big Tits At School Vol. 9,” on the television from the HDMI port on his computer.

After attending and their RA’s dispute resolution meeting, Bale has agreed to leave the room at 1 A.M. every Saturday for fifteen minutes so Warnock can quietly masturbate alone.

Student Sounds Coherent in Newspaper Interview

Picture1The stars aligned this week when freshman Lillian Ward was accurately quoted in a local newspaper. She reportedly relayed intelligent details on a topic she was well prepared to discuss the day of the talks.

Despite being “quite nervous,” Ward, a psychology major, “re-membered to use the correct verb tenses for all of [her] sentences, none of which were fragments.”

“I swear to God, it was great,” she added.

Sources confirm Ward’s opinion on the given topic as being “strong and clearly communicated,” delivered in “[smooth] and easily identifiable English,” and “directly relating to the questions that were asked of her.”

While many fall back on their local dialect and accents when put under pressure, Ward said her “crazy-ass Boston accent didn’t shine too brightly, and I politely thanked the journalist for taking the time to get my opinion on the topic.”

“It was all about the interviewer. It was honestly all him,” the modest Ward insisted, praising the questions he posed as having been “phrased really nicely.”

When approached for comment, the interviewer eloquently explained the good fortune of all involved in the interview as “like all about where it happened because that’s when you know that it’s going to be a wicked one to have and to be doing at this point.”

Weekend Alcohol Poisoning Helps Student Reach Target Weight

Picture1As a consequence of reaching dangerous levels of alcohol poisoning this weekend, senior Annie Neilson has met her weight goal, providing the student with bikini-season confidence.

“I’ve tried exercise and a variety of diet pills, but nothing works quite as effectively as too much Peach Schnapps,” said Neilson, a future doctor.

Sources close to the incident agree “dangerous binge drinking is in,” while, reportedly, healthy eating is no longer in fashion.

Speaking on his battle with dieting, local student Tim Rosenthal contended, that “[he’d] rather get hammered every weekend to the point of risky levels of dehydration than continue to eat vegetables with [his] meals. They say you have to lose the water weight before anything else, you know.”

“There is no rival to the amount of success alcohol poisoning can guarantee,” said weight loss expert Natasha Henry, thereby solidifying the benefits of the poisoning method as outweighing its disadvantages.

The health center will be conducting a trial on students’ success with the new diet trend, setting up new beds for those who have opted to lose their weight in the comfort of a dehydration coma.

Homemade Baby Oil Completely Worth 273 Babies Needed Per Bottle

Picture1The Quinnipiac Bookstore announced they would stop selling Homemade Baby Oil after discovering it takes 273 babies to make. According to a press release from the Quinnipiac Bookstore, the business will cease selling the product immediately when they run out of the current stock.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” stated Hamden resident and accomplished baby oil manufacturer Josh Wordsworth, as he shoved six babies into a wine press.  “I make have always made my own baby oil right at home, and it’s never been a big deal.

“We’ve kept the baby oil tradition in our family for generations,” he added while removing the rough, unformed cartilage from the bucket of baby oil. “It’s a great way for the family to bond.”

Quinnipiac student and frequent consumer of baby oil Jim Swift was outraged at the ban. “Look, I don’t give a shit how many babies it takes to make a bottle of the stuff – 500, 273, whatever,” he told reporters as he covered his muscles with baby oil on his way to the gym. “I need to use it.”

“All babies ever do is just lay there anyway,” Swift added, glistening in the sun.

“These young folk just don’t understand,” stated Clancy Wordsworth, Josh’s father, as he turned the crank of the press. “273 may seem like a lot for one bottle – we could get by on just 6 or 7 – but we don’t never hear those babies complaining.”

“If you want silky smooth skin, it’s completely worth it,” he said, shortly before stomping down on the babies to fix a jam in the machine.

Advil Most Commonly Used Drug in Wellness Housing

AdvilFollowing the announcement that marijuana is the most commonly used drug on campus, a new study conducted by Residential Life has revealed that Advil is the most commonly used drug in Wellness Housing building on campus.

“Everyone around me uses it, talks about it, and it’s even more prevalent than Tylenol now,” Wellness resident Tim Butler told reporters. “Advil just has more of a cultural acceptance.”

Some students have said that they use all the different products that Advil makes.

“I wasn’t really too into Advil until one of my friends was taking one of those Liqui-Gels. Man, that really opened my eyes. I was suffering from minor aches and pains, but then I took two hits of those Liqui-Gels and I felt invincible. Now, every time I get a headache, I take two, sometimes three if I really just want to get away,” said Butler.

In order to combat this use of Advil, the Resident Assistants of Wellness housing have formed AA (Advilholics Anonymous) groups. In the groups, students share stories of their Advil abuse and discuss ways to curb their use. Some stories involve thievery, prostitution, and homelessness, but most are about headaches, minor aches, and colds.

In the aforementioned survey, Residential Life concluded that Advil was not a gateway drug for the residents of Wellness.

“Oh, I would never even think about touching marijuana,” said Butler, as he eyed a bottle of Baby Advil, “but maybe a little heroin.”

 

Depression in Women On Rise As Workplace Harassment Decreases

Picture2The Center for Statistics on Sexual Harassment (CSSH) has recently announced after a 5 year study that women in the workplace are becoming more depressed as the feminist cause spreads nationally.

In a dual part survey, the CSSH found that not only are women being sexually harassed less in the workplace, but also that it is causing their self-esteem to drop further than what was expected.

Head surveyor, Patrick Hall, described the phenomenon.

“It all makes perfect sense, when you really think about it,” he said. “Women are weak little things, really. They don’t function well when you’re not constantly groping them or telling them that they make your pants tight.”

The past few years have seen a great increase in the number of women who support feminism. These women who seem to be striving for “equality” and “equal rights” might inadvertently be causing women irreparable mental harm.

Julia Carson, a secretary for a small business in the Hamden area was adamant in her protest for the continuation of sexual harassment.

“Ever since my boss told the other employees to stop making lewd comments, I just haven’t felt the same. Every day I dress a little more provocatively, but the other workers still hold back. How am I supposed to know I’m sexy and feel good about myself if Jim from accounting isn’t trying to stick his hand up my skirt?”

While this trend does not seem like it will be stopping anytime soon, this reporter is left to wonder what women will do in the future to help them feel confident again. If things progress at their current rate, who knows how scantily clad women will react to not being groped in the future.

Whole Foods Opens Black Market Aisle

Picture1Deep in the barren desert of Somalia lies a quaint suburb with a bustling Whole Foods Market. This specific Whole Foods outpost has decided to try out a new concept called the “Black Market” aisle, based on the local clientele.

“As a free market libertarian, I wanted to bring organic foods to the beautiful country of Somalia,” stated Whole Foods Founder and Co-CEO, John Mackey. “As each of our stores in the US gives back to the community with local produce and products, so does our Somalian location. We are simply providing our customers with local products that they want.”

Many Whole Foods Stores in the United States sell products from local farms depending on what is in season. In the Somalian location, you will find local sheep, beef, and even camel meat. The fish selection is as fresh as can be. But the Black Market aisle is starting to turn corporate heads as a true money maker.

“The ‘Black Market’ aisle is a new concept inspired by the culture of Somalia,” stated Mackey. “We are trying it out here. We will focus group it, and then decide if we should bring it to America!”

Many of the products in the Black Market aisle are unique to Somalia, while still staying true to the Whole Foods philosophy.

“We started by introducing our organically grown Marijuana and humanly raised child prostitutes. Since then, customers have been wanting more.”

Other products sold include ivory from local, farm raised elephants (with no-waste elephant meat selling for $9.99 a pound at the butcher) and antibiotic-free human organs.

“We don’t sell illegal arms in the store,” stated Mackey. “We don’t want to encourage crime and piracy. We do sell human arms though. Those are a hit.”

With the Somalian location being the company’s most profitable store, it is also the most prised for bringing high wages, education, and health care to its employees for the first time ever in Somalia. The store also introduced its new, innovative bartering system of paying, as no one in the area can afford a single item in the establishment.

Look out soon for the Black Market aisle at a Whole Foods near you.

Habitat For Humanity Breaks Into Its Usual Mid-Meeting Orgy

Habitat for Humanity LogoHabitat for Humanity announced it will be breaking into its usual mid-meeting orgy at its upcoming meeting on Thursday afternoon. The community service organization, best known for building houses in poverty stricken areas, stressed in the announcement that any and all students are welcome to join.

“Theses meetings are a great way to really get to know the other members in the organization,” Habitat for Humanity member Alison Dean told reporters, stating that she has met some of her best friends through the organization and their events. “And if you’re nervous about joining, you can always bring your friends!”

While Habitat for Humanity runs numerous events throughout the year, including fundraising, homelessness awareness campaigns, and trips to build houses in the greater New Haven area, members of the organization recognized that these meetings were the best way to engage with students hands on, and really get them excited about participating.

“One of the best things I’ve ever done in my four years here at Quinnipiac was accidently wandering into one of these meetings,” senior Media Studies major James McElroy told reporters. “I was so surprised by their dedication and work ethic, I knew I had to get involved.”

According to the organization leaders, the meeting will have free refreshments for those in attendance and will be discussing the upcoming build in New Haven before breaking into it’s usual groups mid-meeting. The organization stated that although students will be doing construction work at the build, knowing how to use tools isn’t necessary, as you can be shown how to use them at the meeting.

“It feels amazing to be a part of something bigger than myself,” junior Emma Reinhart told reporters, speaking on her decision to get more involved in the organization and community service. “It’s always worth it, I always feel so great afterward.”

“All of us here are really friendly, we always have a good time,” senior Natalie Abella stated. “If you’re interested in lending a hand, don’t be shy!”

Students Discussing Sports Blissfully Unaware of Your Discomfort

guys talkingReports state that Jake and Marcus, two of your closest friends, are completely unaware of your growing discomfort as they discuss the positives and negatives of their local sports teams.

Eyewitness accounts go on to state that they don’t notice you looking down at your phone as they regurgitate memorized baseball statistics, nor do they bat an eye when you clear your throat or try to change the subject away from how much of an impact the latest player trade made on the team’s future.

“Nah, he loves sports too, he’s just quiet,” said Jake when asked about your commitment to the conversation. “I’m sure he’d speak up if he didn’t like talking about sports and tell us. Besides—who doesn’t like sports? He has a penis for God’s sake.”

At least three people also confirmed that you had a penis and that you must, therefore, like sports.

“Sports are part of the male human condition,” said sociologist Rutherford Martin. “I’ve studied the interaction between males and sport extensively, and can say definitively that you can’t have one without the other.”

Not only have Jake and Marcus been unaware of your now palpable distaste over the conversation, but persons familiar with the matter have also stated that they are now talking about fantasy sports, the only thing worse than real sports for your ears to bear.

“You must be joking; fantasy football is one of the purest joys on the planet,” said Mark when the possibility of one not being enamored with the subject arose. “It’s just like real sports, only completely in your mind and on a computer. When there’s no sports going on, it gives us sports to talk about. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.”

Not only did they compare their fantasy teams amongst themselves, but compared the teams that only exist in fable to actual teams that play the sport in real life, discussing their plusses and minuses.

As your brain slowly melted out through your ears, your friends finally wrapped up their conversation and moved on to a discussion of quantum mechanics, finally a topic that everyone is comfortable talking about.

Tyler Perry Announces “12 Years a Slave” Sequel

tyler perryAfter the critical and financial success of Steve McQueen’s “12 Years a Slave,” it was announced recently that director Tyler Perry would be helming the much hyped sequel “Madea Goes Down South.”

John Ridley wrote the adapted screenplay for “12 Years a Slave” based on the autobiographical memoir, “Twelve Years a Slave” by Solomon Northup. In an interview Ridley recently stated that “if there was more to Solomon Northup’s story, I would love to know. The film ended with Solomon being freed — what more could the audience possibly want to see?”

Perry is a celebrated director known for his Madea series of films along with the TV show “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.” Perry told reporters that he would be incredibly proud cover such delicate historical events with his own unique comedic sensibilities.

Currently in production, “Tyler Perry Presents: Madea Goes Down South” was written and directed by Perry. “I can’t give too much away,” stated Perry, “but the film will revolve around the character Madea traveling through time to the pre-civil war south. I can’t say if she succeeds or not… You’ll just have to watch the movie.”

The Madea is an older woman played by Perry in drag. Perry will be reprising his role for the film.

When asked for comment, director Steve McQueen told stated, “I have nothing against Tyler. I just have a feeling like this might be slightly offensive.”

When asked for comment, Tyler Perry told reporters that his goal is to subvert stereotypes and racial prejudice, not support them.

“Sure, I may not make Oscar worthy movies,” Perry told reporters, inexplicably dressed as Madea. “But I am no less capable of handling the delicate subject of  slavery than other actors. What I do is art.”

Tyler Perry went on to state he is considering playing every role in the film, including his oppressors.

New App Sexts Sexy Neighbors

iphone app pic
The new app will let Hamden residents anonymously sext their college neighbors

Following in the footsteps of apps such as Tinder and Grindr, two seniors have created an app to improve sexual relations between Quinnipiac students and families living in Hamden. Sean West and Adam Combs are the co-founders of WhipIt, a new mobile application which allows sexy neighbors and students to anonymously have sex with each other, through texts and picture messaging.

Residents who are registered on the site can send an automated message to sexy students that reads, “Please fuck me,” and is followed up with a “Thank you.” Sending a WhipIt is an introductory step a Hamden resident can take before trying to hook up at Aunchies or at random house parties. With these texts, the co-founders aim to improve the sex-lives of students, residents, and even families in the area.

“It alleviates a lot of stress from students if they have a good sex life with their neighbors and we want to increase that tenfold,” West said.

Long time Hamden resident Ralph Morris is very excited to use the new app.

“All these years, I’ve lived down the street from Quinnipiac, watching all this hot young tail wear skimpy clothing, get drunk, fuck, and repeat. I’m done with just looking. It’s time for ol’ Ralphie to get what’s coming to him,” he said, picking mustard off his wife-beater.

Senior Luke Smith and his housemates signed up for the service. They live off campus and are surrounded by both families and couples, but have never hooked up with their neighbors.      “As of right now, my neighbors have not signed up, but I’ll try anything to bang the cougar that lives on New Road,” Smith said. “By sending an anonymous text, I can attempt to hook up with half of Hamden, without any awkward interactions with my neighbors.”

However, not everyone is so excited by this new app. Junior Rachel Florentine downloaded the app as a joke, but now gets inundated with texts from horny men.

“My roommate put this app on my phone and now all these ancient men send me dick pics,” said Florentine. “This one guy named Ralph something even had white pubes!”

Despite some of the problems, both West and Combs are proud of their app.

“We’d like to say Florida State produced Gatorade, Harvard produced Facebook, and we want Quinnipiac University to be associated with anonymous fucking,” said Combs. For more information, visit the app online at www.whipitqu.com or find one of their ads on PornHub, RedTube, or YouJizz.

NY Times Article Marks First and Last Time Editors-in-Chief Will Ever Be Called ‘Edgy’

Pictured: What apparently passes for "edgy" nowadays.
Pictured: What apparently passes for “edgy” nowadays.

A recent New York Times opinion piece published April 10th briefly and inexplicably mentions the esteemed student newspaper The Quinnipiac Barnacle, marking the first and last occasion anyone will ever refer to Co-Editors-in-Chief William Vessio or Shane Collins as “edgy.”

While the article focused mainly on another student paper on another campus, the article did use The Quinnipiac Barnacle as an example of campus publications that “mine edgy terrain.”

“I’ve always thought of myself as an edgy person,” Barnacle Co-Editor-in-Chief William Vessio told reporters as he slowly sipped his latte and wrapped a warm blanket around himself. “I didn’t even realize how much I ‘delight in routinely touching humor’s third rail’ until I read it in the paper.”

“We’re practically living on the edge,” Co-Editor-in-Chief Shane Collins commented as he ate a spoonful of fat-free yogurt. “We must be, I mean, I read it in the New York Times.

At press time, Vessio and Collins were edgily closing the window shades to get rid of the glare from the sun, sitting very still on a futon, and searching the Netflix library for the best romantic comedy to watch.

Capital Cities Fan Extremely Excited for SPB Concert

Pictured: Capitol Cities' 3 biggest fans outside of campus
Pictured: Capitol Cities’ 3 biggest fans outside of campus

With all the excitement surrounding the announcement that Capital Cities will be headlining the Wake the Giant Spring Concert, sponsored by the Student Programming Board (SPB), it comes as no surprise that a Quinnipiac student is in an uproar over the news.

Sophomore engineering major Jonathan Sharp, who has announced himself as the biggest Capital Cities fan on this campus, is undoubtedly very excited for this event.

Immediately following the announcement, Jonathan flooded social media networks with numerous posts conveying his undeniable anticipation for the concert.

“Ever since I heard ‘Safe and Sound’ on the radio, I was hooked. I immediately downloaded their entire album and continued to listen to ‘Safe and Sound’ for hours on end,” Jonathan said when reached for comment. “They’ve got plenty of great songs on that album, like ‘Safe and Sound,’” he added.

SPB told reporters that students should be excited about the announcement regarding Capital Cities, and has defended its choice of the band.

“Sure, some of us were campaigning for other, admittedly preferable bands, like Cage the Elephant,” SPB’s Evelyn Garaces told reporters. “But at the end of the day it really was just one person’s decision. Come to think of it, I don’t even think she was listening to us at all.”

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the April print edition of The Barnacle. Pick up a copy today at any of our stands in the Student Center, Library, or CAS 1

Boomer the Bobcat: Memoir of an Alcoholic

Boomer 1It’s Thursday, February 27th—merely minutes before the Quinnipiac Bobcat’s interconference matchup against Siena. Senior Jeffery Quilty desperately relies on a wall of the TD BankNorth Center for support. His mouth emits a piercing stench of Black Licorice McGillicuddy’s; the expression on his face appears stoic and uninspired.

A boisterous voice is heard over the TD BankNorth Center speaker system. As the speaker introduces the arrival of Quinnipiac’s most beloved member of the animal kingdom, Quilty groggily dawns his decorative headpiece.

For the Quinnipiac faithful, this moment serves as an opportunity to vocally demonstrate their unbridled support for the university they’ve come to call home; for Quilty, the moment means one thing: it’s Show Time.

Although Quilty has seemingly come to grips with his diminished role on campus, things weren’t always so blissful for the 5’8”, 150-pound communications major.

Following the University’s decision to change the primary designation of their athletic identity from the Braves to the Bobcats in 2000, numerous students have taken over the job of “Boomer the Bobcat.” In the Fall Semester of 2010, it was Jeffery Quilty’s turn to clasp the reins.

Boomer 2“I enrolled in Quinnipiac University just 4 short years ago,” noted Quilty while leaning back in his chair, drilling a shot of Jameson and smoking a cigarette. “I didn’t have work study, so when I saw that they were hiring for the position of ‘Boomer the Bobcat,’ I knew what I had to do.”

At the time, Quilty had never experienced alcohol first-hand. He had never even consumed a drop of liquor prior to attending college, but following his decision to take up the job, aggressive intoxication served as his only hope.

“I never thought any of my obligations would force me to pick up alcohol as more than something I’d indulge in with my close friends, but that was before I became Boomer.”

Quilty went on to recognize—although he never considered alcoholism as a solution to occupational anxiety—there are certain things that come with promenading around campus and gesturing to crowds of people like a complete and utter jackass.

“Being the University’s premier, animalistic pedophile is no longer just a vocational obligation for me: it’s a lifestyle,” contended Quilty while dispiritedly drowning in a pool of regret, “I would never be where I am today without the comfort of inebriation and I can’t even remotely fathom how significant a role it’s played regarding my mental sustainability.”

In closing, Quilty broke down in tears and had this to say about his 4-year tenure at Quinnipiac University:

“It’s going to be extremely difficult when I graduate in May. Hopefully I can continue a life of drunkenness and societal anonymity, but as of right now, I can defiantly claim that alcohol saved my life.”

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the April print edition of The Barnacle. Pick up a copy today at any of our stands in the Student Center, Library, or CAS 1

Sorority Little Goes Unnoticed for 30 Seconds

Picture1In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the Greek Life community, sophomore and Kappa Delta member Lindsey Rollins published on her Tumblr page Tuesday afternoon that she had endured thirty seconds of uninterrupted negligence from her sorority big, Jenna Parker.

Writing that the experience was “excruciating,” Rollins described in detail on her blog that between 3:48 P.M. and 3:48 P.M. Parker had failed to compliment, praise, commend, or even congratulate Rollins on what she was doing and saying. According to the startling post, the lapse in unconditional approval left Rollins in a state of anxiety that went unabated for over a quarter of a minute.

“I kept thinking, did I do something wrong?” a still recovering Rollins told reporters at the scene. “Does she even know I exist? Why isn’t she telling me I’m the best? When I finally got a text from her she didn’t even acknowledge that she had been ignoring me.”

Kappa Delta responded to the issue in a press release condemning the incident, stating it was “out of line with the sorority’s values,” and promising to kick off a new Sisterhood Awareness campaign which will automate continuous text messages to Kappa Delta littles in order to remind them how much they are loved.

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the April print edition of The Barnacle. Pick up a copy today at any of our stands in the Student Center, Library, or CAS 1

Mostafa Elhaggar Somehow Snatches SGA Presidency

Picture1
Elhaggar, seen here sitting next to everyone he ran against.

“This man started the year at the bottom of the polls,” said Matt Powers, newly elected VP for Finance. “It’s a testament to his dedication and fierce work ethic that he was able to push ahead of all his competition and really become the front runner of this race.”

“I’m proud to have him as my president,” added Powers, tearful.

Students around campus applauded their new president for his difficult fight to the top.

“I didn’t even vote for him, but I appreciate the way he was able to outshine everyone else in the race,” said sophomore Erica Thacker. “It takes someone of immense character with a solid plan for reform to stand out in an election these days, and Mostafa was amazingly able to do it.”

Coming from a tough background in middle-class New Jersey, Elhaggar is a success story of one man who was able to fight for what he believes to be right.

“I like to think that I wouldn’t be here if the student body didn’t believe in me,” Elhaggar said during his acceptance speech. “They could have voted for anyone else, and chose me. That’s all the reinforcement I need to know that the people truly want the change I can bring.”

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the April print edition of The Barnacle. Pick up a copy today at any of our stands in the Student Center, Library, or CAS 1

Record Store Drug Testing to Ensure Employees Are Smoking Pot

Hamden Record Store Repeat Records reported that it will begin drug testing this week to ensure its employees are smoking enough pot during work hours. Store owner Mick Martin told reporters that these tests will guarantee a consistent consumer experience of getting no help from the Fritos eating clerk with unkempt hair while simultaneously creating an authentic concert atmosphere. Martin stated that he hopes his employees have enough time before the tests to empty their systems of any nutritional substances that might interfere with their marijuana intake.

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/137248958″ params=”color=ff9900&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_artwork=true” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

Nursing Deemed Most Difficult Course of Study in Poll Conducted by Nursing Majors

Accelerated Nursing Program 2011In a recent poll conducted by the Quinnipiac School of Nursing, “Nursing” was officially recognized as the university’s “Most Difficult Course of Study By Far.” The polling took place on Quinnipiac’s North Haven campus last Monday at 9 A.M. and continued until the last flock of Nursing Majors left at the end of the day.

The poll, which was exclusively administered to students currently enrolled in Quinnipiac’s nursing program, took into account various criterion such as volume of workload, complexity of course material, stress, and overall importance to society.

An alarming 98.7% of poll participants considered nursing to be the most intellectually demanding curriculum Quinnipiac has to offer with “Other Health Science-related stuff” coming in second, “I’m so stressed out right now” coming in third, and “Is Chipotle still open?” coming in a close fourth.

Although the results were staggering, they were to be expected considering that students engaged in other areas of study on campus spend the bulk of their semesters sitting on their thumbs, masquerading as purposeful components of the student body, and inhibiting the academic pursuance of others currently enrolled in a more important curriculum such as, well, nursing.

“Nursing is without a doubt the most exhausting course of study at Quinnipiac,” declared sophomore Carly Benson while adding a watermelon cake pop recipe to her Pinterest board. “While other curriculums don’t require students to, like, study, make convivial sacrifices, or even, like, demonstrate any sense of scholastic cognition, nursing does.”

“With all of the more work and course material I have to do, on top of the 11-minute commutes I have to take to North Haven, I don’t even have time to, like, go out and have fun anymore except for on Fridays and Saturdays,” added Benson.

“Or sometimes Thursdays, and on occasion, Tuesdays…but only when other people are going to Side-Street for free wings.”

Fellow nursing major Jeremy Lawson pretentiously voiced a similar testimony in support of the school’s research while making plans to get drunk and watch Workaholics on Wednesday night.

“Nursing is in a realm of its own. While film students lollygag around campus, meaninglessly filming stuff and business majors waste their college tuition doing business stuff we’re actually making a difference in the community.”

While a large majority of other students at Quinnipiac have contended they are sick and tired of hearing health science majors complain about their curriculum’s workload, most have ultimately rationalized that, “when it’s all said and done, they’re probably right…”

Pressure’s On Now That Radio Host Knows His Parents Will Be Listening

1418211_28354820[1]Sources confirmed earlier today that the pressure is definitely on now that sophomore Jerry Mason knows his parents will be tuning into his 10 P.M. radio show on the student run station WQAQ. Stating that he hopes that his parents will be impressed, the 19-year-old “Good Aftertune” host told reporters that he has been preparing for this moment all his life.

“I knew this day would come,” a visibly nervous Mason told reporters as he nervously practiced moving the volume sliders up and down before the beginning of the show. “This is it. Make or break time.”

Mason told reporters he plans on playing no less than four songs from the band Chicago in an attempt to “come out guns blazing” on this episode, stating that “if I know my parents at all, that ought to kill it, or I don’t know what will.”

“It’s now or fucking never, man,” he added.

At press time, 45-year-old Maria Mason, Jerry Mason’s mother, told reporters that she planned on tuning in “just long enough to get a shout out,” before heading to bed.

“Wow, What A Spirit Week,” Reminisces Student

bobcats-fans[1]
Students showing their unbridled support in our school
Senior John Steigler thinks that last week’s Quinnipiac spirit week was the most exciting one in campus history. The spirit week, which had record attendance, was so widely publicized that the entire campus was reportedly “inundated” with students sporting yellow and blue.

“In my four years here, I can’t name a single spirit week that was this successful,” said Steigler, still trying to scrub off blue and gold facepaint from Friday’s hockey game. “It was a great way to send off the school for my senior year.”

Steigler specifically mentioned that he appreciated the numerous events on the quad, the heavily attended pep rally, and the constant chorus of the Quinnipiac fight song known to every student by heart.

“Tears came to [my] eyes,” said Steigler, tearing up as he reminisced. “I’m not an emotional person, but the outpouring of support and unity displayed by the Quinnipiac community showed just how truly connected we all are as a school.”

Snowed In Commuter Forced to Spend Time With Family

Snow-Road-940x626[1]While Quinnipiac continued to hold classes today despite the snow, sophomore commuter Jennifer Salsburg was forced to stay home and spend time with her family due to an unplowed road.

“It’s hell,” said a dead-eyed Salsburg as she tried to drown out the annoying sound of her 15-year-old brother enjoying a snow day. “All I want to do is go to class and learn, but instead I have to spend a day with these people.”

Sources confirmed that Salsburg’s mother wanted to have a “mother-daughter” day, but was unable to get Salsburg to accept her offer.

“She’s not fun,” said Salsburg, peeking over her shoulder to make sure that her mother couldn’t hear. “She thinks she’s in college too. It’s insane. She’s insane. I just want to leave.”

At press time, the rest of Salsburg’s family was enjoying a rousing game of Monopoly while Salsburg sat alone on her bed, texting.

Valentine’s Day Cancelled Following Facebook Complaint

Couples on campus promised to cease reminding Sarah how alone she is today
Couples on campus promised to cease reminding Sarah how alone she is today

Officials announced today that Valentine’s Day, the annual holiday celebrating romance, has been cancelled following a lengthy Facebook status by junior Sarah Connelly, in which she went through point by point a list of grievances she held with the day. Calling Valentine’s “a Hallmark holiday,” Connelly posted that she was “tired” of seeing numerous posts about other student’s relationships. Following the complaint, the campus’s couples who orchestrate the holiday every year immediately responded, penning an open letter posted online.

“We are both saddened and embarrassed to hear about Sarah’s level of discomfort,” the letter stated. “Had we known, we of course would have refrained from showing any displays of affection where those who are not in a relationship might see it.” The letter went on to call the whole day a “big misunderstanding,” and called for the campus to completely abandon any public declarations of love.

At press time, all couples on campus were seen walking at least two feet apart, avoiding eye contact, and periodically mentioning impersonal observations about the weather to each other.

SPB Announces They Themselves Will Headline SPB Concert

The act will be selling t-shirts and posters with this logo at the concert
The act will be selling t-shirts and posters with this logo at the concert

At Saturday’s Quinnipiac vs. Rider Basketball game, the Student Programming Board announced that they themselves will be headlining the annual Wake the Giant spring concert. The concert is scheduled for May 2nd, the week before finals, and will feature a series of performances by all the members of the organization.

According to the organization, the decision to cast themselves as the headlining act was based on various factors, including student surveys, budget considerations, and the availability of the headliner.

“SPB is a really fun group,” SPB Mainstage Chair Kristin Foley told reporters. “We’re well known now, so we’ve gotten good feedback about it.”

SPB is an act comprised of over 14 members, fronted by SPB President Robert Grant, who have previously been involved in numerous concerts on campus. This will be the first time SPB will be headlining. The group will be following previously successful Wake the Giant acts B.o.B and O.A.R.

“Our goal is to just put on the best show for the student body that we can,” Foley continued, “but the student body is pretty diverse, everyone has their own tastes, and we can’t please everyone. That’s exactly why we are the best choice to run this concert.”

New Year, Same You: Embracing the Spring Semester Slump

kids-messy-roomNow that we’re a few weeks into second semester, you may find yourself attempting to restructure your routine in an effort to boost your grades, spice up the daily grind, or to rekindle the spark of knowledge from your brighter years. However, this is futile.

You’d like to think that this semester would be different, that you’ll make Dean’s list, stay healthy, and make new friends. However, you’re wasting your lazy-ass time with this false hope and these naïve aspirations.

Instead of trying to fight the tide, try planning ahead by realizing that you’re going to procrastinate on your homework ‘til you are forced to stay up all night to submit your assignment three hours after the midnight deadline. Then, you’ll be groggy all day through your classes. You’re beginning to eat Cheetos and wear sweatpants because you “actually can’t right now,” a mistake that will make you fat and groggy for future days. It’s an upsetting cycle, but, come on; it’s nothing a little Netflix bingeing can’t fix.

This fourth week of the new semester is also a good time to contact the organizations you signed up to join to unsubscribe to their e-mails, as we all know you’re not going to attend your first Literary Society meeting the spring semester of your junior year.

In a sad and predictable flourish of activity, all of your floormates have changed their rooms around. By now, you must know that moving your bed two hundred and eighty degrees isn’t going to help you study. Instead of engaging in the ineffective habits of the unaware, accept the reality of your hopelessness and welcome the impending cycle of deterioration.

Student Shaves Balls For St. Bald-Dicks Day

1210450_17583979[1]After a misunderstanding, junior Joel Davis shaved his pubes instead of his head for St. Baldricks Day. St. Baldrick’s is a foundation that encourages students to shave their heads, raising money for childhood cancer research.

“I thought it was a little weird that this charity wanted me to have a bald dick, but I figured little kids don’t have pubes anyway, so what the hell,” said Davis, who was dismayed to be turned away after he brought his own razor, complete with a few scraggly hairs stuck in the blades.

“To be honest, the main reason I volunteered for this was to get someone else to shave my nutsack,” continued Davis. “It’s a pretty difficult to reach area.”

In the end, Davis still shaved his pubes and dedicated the hair follicles to the fight against childhood cancer.

Officials from St. Baldrick’s said there were multiple people turned away this year, many of whom wanted to fully shave or even just trim their pubes.

“While we are excited to find so many students interested in participating in the event, we would like to stress that we are not currently shaving students pubic hair,” said St. Baldrick’s Director of Public Relations June Zipser. “And I honestly cannot believe I even have to specify that.”

In related news, Barnacle writer Alan Johnson, fearing the condemnation of his soul for making fun of a children’s cancer charity event, participated in the event.

Quinnipiac To Administer Mk14 Rifles To All Students To Increase Campus Safety

Pictured: What an average student is expected to look like within a few months
Pictured: What an average student is expected to look like within a few months

As of January 22nd, Quinnipiac University has announced plans to appoint armed components within the Department of Public Safety. Even more recently, the institution has confirmed that they will further extend their weaponry grant to not only senior public safety officers, but to all members of the student body as well.

Starting next week, all students currently enrolled in Quinnipiac University’s academic curriculum will be administered their very own Fulton Armory Mk14 Enhanced Service Rifle.

Each rifle will consist of a direct connect flash suppressor, as well as a front sight relocated to the gas cylinder lock installed in the tactical chassis system for increased protection against the other students and faculty equipped with identical armament.

“Our most important concern, as it always has been, is the safety of our students,” stated Quinnipiac executive vice president and provost Mark Thompson, “And the only way to ensure our students protection from gun-related violence is to just say ‘Fuck it’ and give everyone guns.”

Thompson went on to contend that, “It was truly the only viable option we had left aside from approaching the matter with logic.”

To further ensure the safety of Quinnipiac’s student body, the University has elected to implement a number of other “measures” around campus as well.

Active nitroglycerin bombs will be strategically scattered throughout every academic facility, as well as the University’s cafeteria, in order to give these buildings self-destructing capabilities in the event of an emergency.

“We entertained the idea of arming every Public Safety officer with light-sabers,” noted Quinnipiac University president John Lahey, “ But considering that photon technology isn’t advanced enough to meet such a demand, we decided that the ability to implode any building on campus during a domestic disturbance with the press of a single button is the best way to make sure students within those buildings feel safe at all times.”

Waitress Trying A Little Too Hard For That Tip Right Now

Picture9

Sources are reporting that Linda Hamilton, a 23-year-old server at Applebee’s, is trying a little too hard for that tip right now. The waitress, armed with little more than a low-cut blouse and the daily specials, has been said to be a little to obvious about her methods.

“It all started when she called me ’cutie’ as she walked us to our seats,” said  Mortimer Potts, a frequent patron of the restaurant chain. “I was there with my wife and kids. How could she be so bold?”

Potts went on to detail how Hamilton would touch his arm, smile seductively, and laugh at his corny dad jokes.

“C’mon,” he added, “when you say ‘would you like anything else?’ and I respond ‘money and women,’ we all know it’s not funny. Laughing at it just makes you seem desperate, not friendly.”

Potts’ wife, Adrianna, also described the incident as “over-the-top.”

“She really didn’t understand how obvious she was,” said Mrs. Potts, shaking her head at the memory. “A low-cut blouse? What is this, a strip club?”

Mrs. Potts went on to describe how she believes servers have gotten more and more bold in recent years as they scrounged for tips, frequently referencing how they, all women, always seem to cozy up to her husband first.

“It’s like they understand he’s the weaker one,” she confessed. “It’s too much for him, all this female attention. I know he means well and says that he thought it was too much now, but at the time he might have slipped an extra buck or two to her if I wasn’t around.”

When interviewed about her practices, Hamilton did nothing but stare wearily and say that “a girl can’t live on $3.72 an hour,” before fixing her push up bra and moving on to the next table.

Let’s Stay In Tonight

Hey! HEY! Can you turn that music down? I need to talk to you guys. Listen, let’s stay in tonight. It’s so cold, and I need start writing that essay due next week. It’s QU 201, so it’s an important grade and I just literally cannot wait. So I know I said I would go out tonight, but can we just not? Harry Potter 6 is on again tonight, so let’s just watch that. No, of course I would put off the essay for that.

What? No, I don’t always do this. I’m tired! All day I had a class and then another class. It’s a lot, can you blame me? And bars are so expensive, and what are we going to do, take a cab? Oh great. We’re going to jam 4 people into one cab just so we can go somewhere else and drink. Plus it’ll be really loud and it’s going to be hard for me to get a drink because I’m short. And, AND, everyone is an asshole at the bar. Like literally everyone. Who? Joe? Joe was the biggest asshole of them all, how can you like him?

Hey, guys, I’m being serious now, can we please be serious? Just turn off the music. I’m serious, let’s stay in. I want to stay in. I don’t want to spend money. Harry Potter is on and I want to stay in.

Wait, you guys are still going? You’re just going to leave me here alone? Wow. No go, it’s fine. It’s fine. It’s just, wow. I thought, since Greg just left me two months ago you guys would act more like my friends. But it’s fine. It’s just, I’m still really hurt by it and I thought, wow, it’d be great if we finally got to do something I wanted to do.

You guys are staying? Yay! Thanks Karen, I know it’s your 21st birthday but it really means a lot to me.

QBSN Forgets To Call Men’s Hockey Team “Excellent”

Picture7Scandal erupted Tuesday morning when QBSN radio show host Scott Myers failed to describe the  Quinnipiac men’s hockey team as “excellent.” The terms he used, which included “amazing,” “outstanding,” and “stellar,” failed to make even a fleeting reference to the excellence of the performance and teamwork of the Bobcat hockey organization. Myers is currently facing disciplinary action from school, with implications that could include being kicked off campus for four weeks, losing  his scholarship for the semester, and even legal action.

“I would like to offer my sincerest apologies to the entire athletic department for my errors, I understand that I had a responsibility that I failed to live up to,” Myers tearfully announced at a press conference address the issue. “I don’t deserve to call myself a human being, much less a Bobcat.”

Though Myers was sure to use the word excellent 162 times in his apology, sources confirmed the Hockey team was still unsure how to react.

“The whole situation has forced me to completely reconsider our status, our ability, my whole life really,” Hockey defensemen Rick Lane told reporters. “I used to really believe I was excellent.”

At press time, the Hockey team was considering withdrawing from the next game, citing an uncontrollable sense of self doubt.

Philosophy Club Busted for Underage Thinking

Picture6Last night Hamden police arrested thirty members of Quinnipiac’s Philosophy Club–many of which are younger than 21–for underage thinking.

Neighbors reported “lively debates” and “intellectual stimulation” that “were delivered using calming tones in indoor voices,” and witnesses agree that the themes of the gathering were “too mature [for the students].”

“I’ve been living on Whitney Avenue for fifteen years, and the enforcement of underage thinking penalties has done nothing to slow the intellectual conversations down. These kids are thinking beyond their years, and they’re all going to wake up one morning to regret it,” warned a disgruntled neighbor.

Studies show a steep increase from 20% of kids who have tried thinking in high school to a whopping 60%; numbers officials deem “disconcerting, to say the least.”

“They should be chasing girls, stealing booze, and making fake IDs in their basements,” stated Hamden police officer John Teplitsky, giving a voice to the masses that fear the future of our nation in the hands of what many are calling the “generation of intellect.”

“Instead, they’re debating the validity of Thoreau and Rousseau’s theories from the enlightenment period,” Teplitsky continued, shaking his head in despair.

Hamden police have asked for tips on underage thinking parties and urge adults to help the cause by raising awareness in their communities on the dangers of teen cerebration.

“We don’t want any more accidents,” stated local woman Annette Steiger. “Two years ago, my son was intellectually wounded. He was always a good boy, so when the police told me it had been caused by underage thinking, my heart broke,” conceded Steiger.

According to a recent Quinnipiac poll, 99% of teen deaths are preventable, provided parents keep a vigilant eye on the amount of reasoning their children have access to.

Falling Student Strikes Chair

Picture5A chair in the cafeteria has suffered a broken leg after a falling student landed on him. The 10-year-old chair refused to be named and spoke only under the condition of anonymity.

“It was awful,” said the chair, recovering in the repair shed off of New Road. “That kid just came out of nowhere. I don’t know who was careless enough to leave him perched on the 2nd floor balcony like that, but he certainly was a safety hazard.”

The student who fell and struck the chair, sophomore Brendan Appleton, said that he didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

“I mean, it’s not like I was trying to hit him,” said Appleton. “I didn’t get thrown or anything. Shit happens.”

Falling students have been a concern in recent weeks as multiple chairs have reported students “collapsing” into them due to exhaustion during finals week. While most times these just result in a harder-than-normal impact to the chair, this is the first incident that resulted in injury.

“There needs to be a fundamental policy shift in chair safety,” said Stephanie Proux, a representative of Chairs Around America (CAA). “For far too long we’ve seen students treating chairs like pieces of furniture. They have to understand that they can feel pain too, and violence against chairs is a serious crime.”

While property damage is a crime, the amount of chair abuse that goes unprosecuted by police is off the charts. Appleton has confessed to falling on the chair, but no property damange charges have been pressed at this time.

“Listen, I have nothing against chairs,” said Hamden Chief of Police Thomas Wydra, “but I do think that humans have more basic rights than chairs. Yes, I know that that’s not a popular stance right now, but chairs are going to just have to suck it up and kiss some ass.

“God knows they’ve been doing it for years already.”

Console War Escalates As Sony Gains Nuclear Technology

Nuclear-War-AmericaWith the release of the Xbox One and PlayStation 4 in mid-November came unintended hostilities that quickly brought the gaming world to its knees while the so-called Console War went from cold to hot as a result of Sony announcing it has developed weapons of mass destruction.

Through its development of nuclear arms, Sony firmly believes that they can now dominate the Console War and manipulate the outcome in their favor.

Sony’s president and CEO, Kazuo Hirai, commented on the development after demonstrating their power off the coast of Japan, saying “私は非常にこれのすべてに満足しています. 実際、私は信じている Microsoft 千回滅びる! それらのアメリカの豚は確かに日本の技術の力を味わうことでしょう!”

Despite this announcement, Microsoft continues to wage a losing battle by refusing to halt the sale of their Xbox One console. Early estimates show that the PlayStation 4 sold over one million units in its first day of sale, while the Xbox One sold absolutely no units until it was released a week later.

With these impressive figures, it is not immediately understood why Sony needed to develop weapons of mass destruction to help secure their victory in this war. The CEO of Sony’s American division, Michael Lynton, went on record saying that “[you] never know with those crazy Japanese bastards. To be honest, I think they’re just seeking revenge for what happened in ‘45.”

Microsoft executives have hinted that they themselves have also been working on a secret project. Insider information has revealed that Microsoft is working on device capable of summoning one of the seven princes of Hell, the Dark Lord Mammon, to turn the tides of war.

With inevitable mass annihilation on the horizon, all are eager to see two things: which side will come out on top and if there will be fewer 9 year olds swearing at them during online play.

Future Leader of Fortune 500 Company Currently Making Duck Face

Picture4According to several sources with knowledge of the issue, Quinnipiac junior Lauren Waterston, future CEO of industry giant Hewlett-Packard, is currently taking an image of herself with a duck face in a mirror and uploading it to Instagram. Sources went on to claim that Ms. Waterston, who in the year 2053 will be named Time magazine’s Person of the Year for the second year in a row, is at press time planning on going to a bar in New Haven and get wasted out of her mind.

“While in just a few short decades Ms. Waterston will be hailed for her numerous innovations in the technology industry landscape, she is now at this moment hailing the cab that she will end up vomiting in,” Industry insider Donald Whitman told reporters. “Oddly enough she is wearing the same dress for both occasions.”

Though numerous friends of Ms. Waterston will witness her growth into one of the most influential participates in global economics and world events, sources confirmed earlier today that for now they just plan on relaxing, pregaming with vodka shots, and smoking weed with her.

“Oh my god, Lauren? I love her! She’s such a little whore,” longtime friend Tina Conderosa told reporters of the future multimillionaire who will spend the majority of her post-retirement life raising money for aid in starving nations.  “That bitch is my bestie.”

While sources confirmed that Laruen’s first million dollars are still over 25 years away, she was reportedly equally happy at this moment to discover 4 dollars in change in her purse so she can drunkenly order some pizza.

Student Goes Home, Realizes His Friends Kind of Suck

McCarthy’s friends from home, nonconforming
McCarthy’s friends from home, nonconforming

Thanksgiving week brought a whirlwind of emotions for junior Ted McCarthy as he came to the realization that his friends back home kind of suck.

“I had no idea they were still smoking pot at the park every weekend,” he stated, bewildered by the lack of progress made by friends who commute to college and those who stayed behind to take over their dads’ business as gas station attendants.

“One of these guys still hasn’t passed his road test,” McCarthy conceded, gesturing toward the group of boys as they complained about how “there’s nothing to do here” and how they are not able to go out past ten because ”[their] parents caught [them] sneaking out again.”

Witnesses claim to have seen the boys hitting on McCarthy’s mom and laughing at endless videos on Vine.

“They have such a simple sense of humor,” McCarthy added, shaking his head in disillusionment.

McCarthy relayed that his friend K.J. has lost “that cool factor” that he had before college, and his stories now reflect an alarming disdain for authority.

“I always thought he was this boldly carefree kind of guy,” McCarthy continued, “but I now find this attitude to be concerning, since his freedom from the weight of societal expectations allows him to do whatever the fuck he wants. He once tripped our school principal in the middle of the hallway for giving him a detention,” McCarthy voiced.

“I mean, it would have been hilarious if she hadn’t been seven months pregnant,” he elaborated.

By the time he went back to school, McCarthy had decided to “give the guys another chance” because “[they]’ve got so much history together, you know?”

Health Center Changes Condom Brand From Durex to Babymakers

Ready to make a baby?
Ready to make a baby?

In a startling announcement posted on MyQ over Thanksgiving Break, Quinnipiac University’s Health Center will be changing the brand of condoms available to students from Durex to Babymakers.

“Durex simply wasn’t effective enough,” stated Joy Smith, a nurse at the Health Center. “In the past it was never a problem, but since Quinnipiac has started taking more students, we’ve been seeing more and more problems with the Durex condoms we’ve been handing out.”

This comes in response to male students complaining of sizes not fitting, the girl backing out when she heard a more reliable brand wasn’t being used, and the high cost of monthly payments for condoms. Babymakers, a generic dollar store brand that is made primarily of polyethylene, is supported by the Administration because it can combat these issues.

“Babymakers not only sell traditional condoms, but also ‘specialty’ condoms to spice up the bedroom experience, such as ‘Last 9 Months of Freedom,’ ‘Non-Asbestos Based,’ and ‘Asian Zing,’” added Nurse Joy. “Because the generic brand is so much cheaper, we should be able to buy these varieties for students. We think it’ll help to promote the use of a condom during intercourse!”

“I’ve been using Babymakers my whole life and I’ve had a great time,” responded Cleetus McFarland, a student that we interviewed about the brand switch, while rocking his newborn child gently. “Sure, it feels like you’re wearing Saran Wrap when you first put it on, but once you adjust to it, it feels like nothing’s even there!”

“There’s a female version of Babymakers too,” he added. “It’s made out of the same material that they use to make tooth floss, and I’ve never been able to break a piece of tooth floss with my hands, so I’d trust it.”

Ice Cats to Stop Making Everyone Feel Inferior

The Ice Cats being goddamn perfect
The Ice Cats being goddamn perfect

As of Tuesday at midnight, Quinnipiac’s team of Ice Cats has agreed to the first of several measures regarding the cessation of what critics are calling “making everyone feel inferior about themselves.”

Although the Ice Cats have already stopped performing at women’s games because of audience members’ issues with “feeling super uncomfortable” about the general body size and shape of the skaters, new regulations to be put into action at the close of this semester will now require the 13 ice girls to “slip, fall, or make some kind of blunder” that will show the flaws that the girls “totally must possess, right? I mean they have to,” said hockey fan and senior health sciences major Talia Ward.

Officials claim that the complaints by female students about how “these girls drive me to eat my feelings after every men’s game” and “my girlfriend looks like a homeless man next to these skating cheerleaders” have driven the school’s athletic administration to take action.

On their seemingly perfect behavior  and appearance, Athletic Director Alyssa Budkofsky stated, “I once saw an Ice Cat blink her eyes out of sync with the other girls, but that’s about it.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the academic advisors to the Ice Cats revealed that all thirteen skaters currently have straight A’s across the board, and have maintained these grades for every semester spent at Quinnipiac University.

At a recent hockey practice, the girls “arrived early and brought everybody coffee,” said player Kellen Jones.

“They all have great relationships with their parents too,” bitter waterboy Casey Holmes added as he ate his feelings.

For the first game with the new regulations in place, the cheerleaders will reportedly be “really considerate about [the self-consciousness] of the fans and will probably give away some t-shirts before the game,” conceded Associate Athletic Director Ernest E. Hallbach.

“That will happen after they finish up their charity work and modestly respond to some compliments first, though,” Hallbach added as hundreds of people continued to hate themselves.

False Modesty Club To Hold Its Second-Best Ice Cream Social of the Year

Picture1A press release sent out by the Quinnipiac False Modesty Club founder Alan Jones announced that the organizations second best ice cream social of the year will commence on Friday at 6 pm. The event will feature a slew of events and activities, from a Ferris Wheel to prizes worth over 20,000 dollars, in what Jones described as “pretty okay.”

“This is sure to be an event of the season,” Jones told reporters, as he began to set up the heated Jacuzzi. “I’m glad the remaining members of Led Zeppelin agreed to perform. They’re no Beatles, but it was the best we could do.”

Jones went on to say that the meet and greet with high profile celebrities Justin Timberlake and Amy Poehler will likely be “nice,” and that Kate Upton’s Free Kisses booth will likely be “satisfactory.”

“A lot of organizations put on a lot of events, and we are one of them,” Jones told reporters as he walked by the free open bar. “We’re no Student Programming Board, but I like to think our events are tolerable.”

At press time, the Student Programming Board was currently changing its name to the Overly Cocky Board.

Law Student Accidentally Sues Himself; Awarded $4.2M in Damages

Not the court this happened in, but a court nonetheless
Not the court this happened in, but a court nonetheless

In a landslide legal victory, the School of Law grand courtroom awarded graduate student Marc Monarca $4.2 million in punitive damages against none other than himself.

Monarca was doing very well in what was originally thought to be a simulated trial in his Advanced Law class, but later discovered to be an actual binding court of law in which he found himself guilty of heinous crimes.

“So wait,” said Monarca, “did I win?”

Among the convictions are animal cruelty, grand larceny, murder, indecent exposure, voyeurism, and involuntary manslaughter.

The mix-up occurred when Monarca was forced to play both the plaintiff and defendant in a standard property dispute case after his friend Craig Valenti was removed from court for contempt for wearing a clown costume and harassing the jury.

“When they said mock trial I thought they meant it literally,” said Valenti. “I don’t know what contempt of court means, but I’m pretty content in this clown costume.”

Monarca’s tenacity in the trial earned him an A in the course, but due to his new criminal record, will be lucky if he can get a job as a line chef at Olive Garden.

According to the court ruling, Monarca has 48 hours to pay himself $4.2 million or else will be imprisoned for 8 years and chemically castrated.

 

Students Should Seek Out More Positive Newspapers

Picture2In my ninth-grade journalism class I was introduced to The New York Times, The Boston Globe, and The Christian Science Monitor. I read them every day, every edition, and there was one common thread: negativity.

To preface this piece, I need to clarify that I am a college newspaper editor. As such, I have a wealth of knowledge and am considered by many to be a deity in the industry. There’s nobody with anywhere near the amount of life experience dealing with  journalism than myself, having written at least three articles for my media criticism class on this very subject.

That said, I have many qualms with the way journalism is taught in the academic world.

The majority of newspapers that I read have themes of rape, violence, inequality, suicide, and natural disaster. It seems as though such unhappy ideas are a part of the criteria of being a national news outlet, and yet this is unnecessary, and perhaps unhealthy for the youths who try and keep up-to-date with the happenings of the world on a daily basis.

In a society where violent video games have not only affected our youth’s minds but also negatively effected the course of history (see last month’s opinion “Video Games: Too Violent?”), I can’t even understand why someone would want to read about all these horrible happenings in the world.

Students are committing suicide at an alarming rate. I mean, people are flat-out fucking killing themselves all over the place. I tripped over a body yesterday in Tator. Did I help this person, bleeding out on the floor? Of course not; thinking about that sort of thing is just too negative for me, so I ignore it and hope it goes away.

According to a 2010 survey by the Centers of Disease Control and prevention, suicides accounted for 20 percent of deaths among 15– to 24-year-olds. Obviously, this fun fact doesn’t really have any correlation with the argument I’m making here but is on the same topic, so I’m hoping that you read it and think that I’ve got some sort of actual statistic to back me up here.

I think that the students of the world really need to join in with me on this radical new way of thinking. I know, it may seem foreign to you to just ignore something that’s happening instead of dealing with it, but it’s necessary to protect our collective mental health.

Take a look at the current hurricane aftermath in the Philippines. That’s horribly depressing. I looked in the paper and saw pictures of dead bodies in the streets, strewn everywhere. People crying for their lost loved ones. Wouldn’t that story be better if, instead, it was about a small dog that learned how to play the flute? Or an old man connecting with a long-lost love from 50 years ago due to a misaddressed envelope? We all know it would, and hell, maybe us young adults will finally unload the Glock 17 that’s waiting in our dresser drawers. I know I would—human interest stories really help me remember that there’s a life worth living out there.

Of course, this change won’t come about instantly. Until the time that newspapers stop reporting depressing stories, just boycott them. Sure, staying informed in the world is great, but your mental health is more important, so ignore, ignore, ignore!

Ignorance is bliss.

Review: Life of a Creampie

Picture1Visualize a world where every action you make has no consequences; where every song you sing is in perfect tune; where every racial stereotype, homophobic thought, and overcooked steak is banished due to a common societal understanding. This world is real. This is the world of Lance Foreskin.

Foreskin’s most recent film is about human discovery whilst taking a step back and creating a political commentary about the Native American agenda. Life of Creampie is a masterpiece and a soon to be classic.

We open to a bleached asshole. Enter Mark Hammer-mill, or the tip of Hammer-mill to be specific. In and out. The verisimilitude of the anal breaching signifies the rise of organic food markets. Genius!

Later we find that Hammer-mill is a dirty, sweaty zookeeper who, deep down, only wants to find true love. This is when we meet Ana Von Sparxxx, a naughty tiger that needs to be taught a lesson. Shenanigans ensue resulting in Hammer-mill and Sparxxx to be stuck on a boat together in the middle of the ocean – classic odd couple.

The cinematography is breathtaking. Sweeping pans; impressive tilts; there is even a crane shot! Foreskin worked with his longtime Director of Photography Burt “Big Black” Johnson on the film and it is clear Johnson has come a long way since his earlier films such as “Love, Blacktually” and “Tyler Perry’s Madea Teaches Sex-Ed.”

Foreskin does a great job at simultaneously telling a story and plugging an agenda. This is the most expensive film ever made with a budget of $500 million. It has been reported that within the first weekend of its release, Life of Creampie made all of its money back. Shot in Bridgeport, CT, this film also supplied jobs and boosted the state economy.

As an audience, we are taken through a rollercoaster of emotions as our main character learns how to love and then has sex with a tiger. With the help of Hans Zimmer who composed the score, you know you are in good hands to take a journey with these characters. Buy your ticket now, or watch immediately on PornHub.com for free.

47 stars out of 50.

“Bursar” and “Registrar” Discovered to be Latin for “Robbed in Broad Daylight”

396185_2417

While on a historical manuscript investigation last weekend, students Aimee Rogers and Allison Corletto came upon encoded Latin words that revealed the phrases “bursar” and “registrar” to mean “robbed in broad daylight.”

“It was unbelievable,” said Rogers, shivering in her worn, hand-me-down sweater.

“What a great find-and so rare,” added a hungry-looking Corletto.

According to some of the girls’ world history classmates, the words’ meaning was easily cognized in context, as the Latin writings spoke of “impending poverty” and “menacing debt.”

Sources close to the girls who found the writings reported a follow-up inscription that loosely translates to the speaker “feeling violated and bankrupt.”

“I was almost too weak to interpret the documents,” said Corletto, referring to her experiences during the investigation.

“I had just read a lot of deregistration emails at the time of the dig,” she explained after a brief phone call with her bank about student loan paperwork.

The Latin phrases shed light on little-known aspects of Roman lifestyles, with stories about “giving up” and “selling yourself to make ends meet,” a theme that was frequently employed under the title “Bursar ac Registrar.”

Analysts are currently searching the papers for an explanation of “what in God’s name these people found to be worth losing $50,000 on and if they regretted letting their lives fall to pieces at the hands of greedy executives.”

“Where did all the money go? Did the robbers use it up hiring countless outdoor maintenance workers to blow leaves into the sidewalk or did the president of the ancient world earn all that cash? These are the kinds of questions we hope to learn the answer to,” stated one of the examiners as she walked to her work-study job.

Historians plan to hold a conference to mark this important event in time, as these events don’t happen every semester.

Evilution

Evolution by means of natural selection? More like devil work through the corruption of the minds of our youth! Seriously, Quinnipiac? How can we sit there in class and be expected to simply accept these clearly fictitious statements?

Last time I checked, I am not a monkey, nor were my grandparents or even their grandparents. As far as history and I know, all of my ancestors were human. And since we often look towards history to see the truth in past times, we can use it to clearly see that humans were never monkeys.

It’s simple logic really: if anybody was ever a monkey and turned into a person, someone else would remember it. Would you forget it if you saw a monkey turn into a person? Hell no you wouldn’t because that would be fucking awesome! Unfortunately, it has never happened and will never happen.

I am truly sorry Quinnipiac, but your students are sometimes not as dumb as they look. We know the truth and this is why I demand that change be brought upon the course.

We know that man was created by God on the 6th day of creation, as stated in Genesis 1:27. Why must people look beyond the simple answer and fall for such trickery? If this wasn’t the true way in which people came to be, why would God have it written like this?

Instead of blindly following what we are taught here at Quinnipiac, we must remember to follow what we have always blindly followed.

This campus is a lie! It preaches diversity and acceptance, but in the end, all it does is shove false information down our throats. I know that this school has intentions of expanding its prestige even further, but how are they supposed to do that when they cannot even teach BIO 101 correctly?

Last Student on Campus Without a Smartphone Fount, Executed

Picture11After two years of careful genocide, the last Quinnipiac student who did not own a smartphone has been eliminated by school officials and replaced with a better, more tech-savvy version of the person.

“It’s been a long, hard road, but we finally did it,” said Associate Vice President for Academic and Strategic Planning Annalisa J. Zinn, fist-pumping over her victory.

“We’re still in talks about the future of our job here at Quinnipiac. As of now, we think the next step for the strategic planning committee is the elimination of gingers, people who wear boot cut jeans, and people who don’t listen to music,” continued Zinn.

Speaking of the massive undertaking in which the aforementioned Neanderthals were replaced with similar, Mars-derived stand-ins, Associate Director of Medical Technology Yanko Michea claims they “look almost exactly the same but with the addition of glasses and button up shirts. They all look a little more like Jared from Subway now.”

On how they were able to carry out the extermination so seamlessly, Michea conceded to trickery and manipulation.

“We were able to pick them out of a crowd by hanging up advertisements for classes on Internet use. There were no cases of mistaken identity because, naturally, the people with old phones or no phones are the people who read the posters on the walls. Those who read the signs would then take out their datebooks, pencil in the time and date of the event, and go back to looking around, dodging smartphone users as they zigzagged into other distracted walkers. It was a foolproof operation.”

Although it was originally a covert affair, officials claimed the need to explain the rapid decrease in cell phone diversity on campus through a full report on their mission, rumored to have been an assignment from high-up U.S. government officials.

In response to the doubt of naysayers over the ethics involved in the deal, Director of Academic Technology Lauren K. Erardi reportedly nudged her advisor, pointed at a particular naysayer, and mouthed “they’re next,” although eyewitness proponents believe “it was all in good fun.”

At press time, Erardi was seen congratulating those who applauded her work and sharing the news that they would now “survive phase two.”

Stop Going to New Haven, You’re Going to Get Shot

A weapon that people get shot with
A weapon that people get shot with

After 25 years working with state police, I have come to learn a few things that would be wise for the students at Quinnipiac University to pay attention to, so I’d like to thank the QU Barnacle for providing me with a platform from which I can share this knowledge. First, do not go to New Haven, because people who go to New Haven get shot. You will get shot if you go to New Haven. Please stop going to New Haven.

Now, your enduring motivation to go to New Haven anyway is an enigma to me. Do you want to get shot? If you want to throw away the precious life you have been given, then suit yourself, but God knows I emailed you about it first. Don’t act like I didn’t warn you-don’t put this on me! You don’t have to get shot to have a good time, and there are resources available to help you through this difficult process. I know you’re all screwed up. I can tell by your blatant indifference toward my constant warnings. If you want to get yourself shot in New Haven, then give me a call and I’ll come talk you down from that ledge.  It really isn’t worth throwing away your mother and father’s years of parenting to feed into your thrilling addiction.

Each minute, the number of shootings in New Haven increases by the thousands, a startling statistic for those who float through life in an ignorant stupor. So, for those of you too drunk to notice and those of you too bored to care, this is my formal appeal. Do not go to New Haven, because people will shoot you dead. You will die from your bullet wounds, and your embarrassing story will be shared with other stubborn youths. I will do my best to increase the urgency of my emails from casual tips to explicit instructions on how to care for your best friend as they lie dying on the streets of New Haven, suffering from a bullet wound. Because they were shot, get it? Seriously though, violence is real.

For the love of God, be safe.

Senior Accepts He’ll Never Be #1 in This Depressing Voyage Called Life

Picture9Student Malcom Darby, a senior business major, has accepted that he’ll never be number one in anything in his life, and in fact may never be truly happy.

At 4:53 p.m. last Tuesday, Darby was hit with the realization that not everybody on the planet can be the best at everything. After a careful examination of his own personal accomplishments, he was able to determine that he’s never truly excelled at anything in his short 21 years on this planet, and in fact has no reason to believe that he’ll ever be the top person in anything that he tries.

“Fuck, man,” said Darby, running his hand through his hair as he downed a glass of scotch. “I really don’t understand how we could all go through life expecting to be the best. What if being the best we can be is just mediocre? What if I can only have a bitchy wife and two kids that I really don’t like?”

Friends have gone on to tell Darby that it’s not all bad, that there are many people in the world who are comfortable with their mid-range circumstances, and that not everything is perfect. Secretly, though, they know that he’s a lost cause.

“It’s sad, because he’s really not that great at anything,” said Robert Foster, one of Darby’s closest friends. “In fact, when hanging out with him I often get bored and just make up an excuse to get out of it. Last week I said I had a soccer game and just went home and played FIFA.”

Darby’s girlfriend Jessica Larson had the same sentiments about the sorrowful student.

“It’s comfortable being with him,” said Larson. “It’s like being in a relationship with just the idea of a person. He’s dead center on everything— opinions, vocabulary, and looks. One day I expect we’ll despise each other fondly and I’ll be the passive-aggressive bitch I always wanted.”

Freak Goes Home Two Weekends in a Row

Picture8
Just look at this smug, self-centered, prematurely balding piece of shit

Shortly after telling his roommates that he was leaving for the weekend and would be back Sunday, rumors began to spread around campus about why he was going home, ranging from he was “debating dropping out of school” to “his alcohol pickup was back in town”.

“What the hell?!” yelled Thomas Dhaim, Wishka’s roommate, as he flipped a table. “This kid went home last weekend, why the hell is he going back again?”

“What a freak,” stated Lynn Ashford, a junior. “I understand going home to visit your parents or to see a friend who’s back, but going home just to go home? That’s unheard of!”

“Paul was my drinking buddy, who else am I supposed to get fucked up with?” she blurted out as she broke down in tears.

The news of Wishka returning home for a second weekend in a row is causing a rift in the senior class, who hasn’t seen anything like it for years.

“Yep, I remember good ole’ William Beck,” reminisced senior Joe Cliffton as he stroked his beard. “Beck went home three weekends in a row, yes he did. I remember he cried when we called him a freak for going back three weekends in a row, too, but he had some crazy reasoning that didn’t make sense.”

“Either his brother got into a car accident, or cancer got the best his uncle, something bullshit like that,” he added, rolling his eyes.

Wishka is expected to return to a destroyed room and disapproving looks from his roommates.

Health Center Now Offers Street Drugs

Picture7In response to the growing variety of needs from the increasingly diverse student body, Quinnipiac’s Health and Wellness Center now offers hardcore drugs.

“We already offer feminine protection for female students, free condoms for busy males, and hand sanitizer for the germaphobes. And, I couldn’t help but think that meth addicts have needs too,” said Phillip Brewer, University Medical Director for Student Health Services.

According to a recent Quinnipiac poll, 90% of students on the Mt. Carmel campus support the production of illegal opiates and narcotics to be offered at the reception desk.

Anxious drug enthusiast and biochemistry major Alex Rizzo extolled for the whole druggy demographic. After a long day of schoolwork, we all like to wind down with a little crack cocaine, am I right?”

Members of the Health Center staff reported “an infrequency [of student patients]” for the last two spring semesters and have organized a plan to combat this underemployment of resources by offering up a wider range of goods.

As they work toward completing the final steps in the production of this decade’s best-selling street drugs, Director of Student Health Services Alice Holland has asked for assistance from “those youths who can help us with the lingo,” citing an incident in which “whoop chicken,” a synonym for methamphetamine, was “shot down” for “not being a term that human people use.”

Also needed, Holland announced, is the presence of a new suggestion box being displayed up front, and Holland has verified that the Health Center is “now taking requests” for products the student body wants to see available at the center.

“No matter how obscure or seemingly made-up your needs are,” added Staff Nurse Danielle Carrano.

According to Carrano, this news comes just in time, considering the fierce needs of the up-and-coming, though currently underground, population of students with high-maintenance fetishes.

Carrano claims she is looking forward to the day when these “enthusiasts,” as they prefer to be called, “will be able to satisfy their cravings without leaving campus, right along with the perverts and the addicts.”

Student Lasts Record Six Hours Without Being Awkward

Picture6Sources have confirmed that freshman Ned Kowalski successfully lasted six continuous hours without an awkward moment, a new world record. The feat, deemed impossible by critics, occurred last Thursday on Kowalski’s busiest day; one that was littered with a plethora of possible awkward encounters.

The record began at 7:42 a.m. as Kowalski left Perlroth to go to his 8 A.M. Media Studies class. During the walk, Kowalski made eye contact with fellow students at the appropriate distance of 17 ft. and acknowledged them with a simple head nod and a quick “Mornin’!” As Kowalski entered Tator Hall, he perfectly executed proper door-holding technique by politely waiting for the person behind him at the acceptable 9 ft. distance, cutting it dangerously close to the outrageous distance of 10 ft.

Reports confirm that Kowalski swiftly volleyed Java John’s morning banter with impeccable comedic timing and even made it to class early enough to snag his preferred seat without the majority of the class present to watch him. Kowalski admitted that the group exercise in class was his biggest challenge.

“I thought that’s where my streak would end,” said Kowalski, “eye contact is tricky in close group circles because you have to balance just the right amount without scaring anyone. It was especially difficult with Veronica’s exposed cleavage.”

During his presentation to the class, Kowalski was confident in leaving his hands calmly at his side with out breaking a sweat. The presentation concluded with a concise and powerful closing statement as opposed to the standard shoulder shrug with “So… um, yea.”

At 11:27 a.m. Kowalski met up with some friends at the cafeteria and greeted each one with a well-executed handshake.

“The hand greeting was such a close call,” said Kowalski. “If my friends chose to go in for those one of those new hand greetings like the semi-high five/finger link/fist bump, or God forbid the bro hug, it would have been all over.”

“I am so lucky that my friends still shake hands like normal people,” added Kowalski.

The lucky hand greeting was what the greeting went down in the current western trend of a variation of “daps,” the duration of time without an awkward moment would have been just under 3.5 hours, slightly shy of the current record of 3 hours and 52 minutes held by Anthony Fremont at the University of Colorado.

The amazing rally came to an end at 1:39 p.m. when Kowalski went back to his dorm after the exhausting day. While playing GTA V, his roommate Dylan came in, prompting Kowalski to say “How’s it going, man?” to which Dylan replied “Pretty Good, you?” to which Kowalski made the terrible mistake of saying “Not too bad, yourself?” the classic accidental conversation loop.

Guinness World Records will hold the medal ceremony this Friday at 4 P.M. on the quad.

“Inadvertent Prostitute” This Year’s Top Halloween Costume

The ever-popular “Inbred Prostitute” costume
The ever-popular “Inbred Prostitute” costume

According to a survey administered by the Quinnipiac Polling Institute, “Inadvertent Prostitute” is this year’s top costume for the Halloween. This marks the 37th straight year that the costume has held the top spot.

Several Halloween costume outlets have confirmed that females will be able to obtain “Inadvertent Prostitute” costumes in several shapes, sizes, and styles. Popular variations include “Prostitute Nurse,” “Prostitute Police Officer”, “Prostitute Librarian,” and “Prostitute DMV clerk.”

Although no single Prostitute costume is the same, every costume is guaranteed to plague one’s father with significant, unremitting regret.

“Halloween is ratchet!” exclaimed some freshman girl as she slid into fishnet leggings and leather cowgirl boots, “I decided on being ‘historically inaccurate cowgirl’ because I can just recycle the outfit I wore for the Jason Aldean concert last summer.”

“It’s all about expression though,” voiced the freshman in a pathetic attempt to supersede the fact that she was a dressed as if planning to attend a Sean Paul music video shoot.

Along with “Inadvertent Prostitute”, several other uninspired, devastatingly unimaginative costumes are featured in this year’s list such as “Lax Bro,” “Goth,” and “Guido.” Because why would you aspire to masquerade as something cool on Halloween when you could just dress up like a demographic you attend school with?

“I thought lax bro was a really good costume idea to bring back this year,” contended a frat boy pretentiously wearing sunglasses, “but then again, I was born without a sense of creativity, or for that matter, a personality.”

In contrast to other popular costumes such as “Joe Biden” and “Casey Anthony,” the polling institute also took into consideration what student’s wouldn’t be wearing come Oct. 31.

Extremely unpopular costumes for this year’s festivities included “Plantation Owner,” “Right-Wing Conservative,” and “That Creepy middle aged man who is, for some reason, consuming egg-salad in the cafeteria.”

Student Would Rather Throw It All Away Than Write One More Goddamn Essay

But really, we all know that pens are a thing of the past
But really, we all know that pens are a thing of the past

Junior philosophy major Sarah Reichter has decided that she would rather give up her entire college career and future prospects than write one more goddamn essay.

Reichter, a 20-year-old with an impressive GPA and a possibly bright future, has repeatedly stated that she would risk it all if she could just go through the rest of eternity without writing in MLA format ever again.

“Oh my god, I’m going to fucking kill myself if I have to write another of these freaking papers,” said Reichter, on the verge of catapulting her degree and career into an irreparable tailspin. “I just can’t deal with this shit anymore.”

Sources close to Reichter have said that ever since she’s started having thoughts like this they’re scared for her mental well-being and possible post-college success.

“I can’t believe she’d just throw away a $200,000 education like that,” said Rebecca Green, a close friend of Reichter. “Everybody knows that the only way to get anywhere in life is with a college degree, especially one from a private university.”

The Hamden community at large has organized a banquet in Sarah’s honor to raise awareness and help her through her troubled time.

“We just don’t want her to make any rash decisions,” said Hamden mayor Scott Jackson. “It’s hard enough having to just go to college, but having to write essays, too? We can feel her pain, and want to do everything we can to make sure that Sarah is on the right path to success.”

“Hell, I know we’ve all thought it before too. Just to end it all,” he added.

At press time, friends were seen calming down Reichter as she realized she had another essay due tomorrow.

Public Safety Assault “Just A Misunderstanding”

The aftermath of the scene
The aftermath of the scene

While originally reported that a Quinnipiac student assaulted a Public Safety officer on Oct. 19, the accused student says that it was all “just a misunderstanding” and where he put his hand was “taken out [of] context.” The student shall remain unnamed as The Barnacle has a policy of not releasing student information in active criminal cases.

“I just didn’t mean to hit him,” said the student at a closed-door press briefing, referring to the Public Safety officer. “It was a matter of placement. I went for a friendly fist-bump, but out of context I can see how that could be taken for a threatening punch and assault on life and livelihood.”

“I also referred to his mother as a ‘sex-rattled whore who I fucked last night,'” the student added solemnly. “I regret to say that I misspoke. I was trying to complement [the officer’s] mother and how good a job she did in raising him, but I apologize if my comments somehow offended him and others.”

The student went on to state that he’s a dedicated supporter of the Public Safety community and that he would be donating $10,000 to a community group for Public Safety officers to show his sorrow and respect.

The student then left the briefing muttering “that should satisfy those fucking pigs,” unaware that his microphone was still on.

John Lahey Vows To Become More Inaccessible President

Inductee-and-President-of-Quinnipiac-University-John-LaheyAfter nearly 30 years of being the most accessible President to students and faculty alike, with national awards citing his outstanding legacy as an approachable “walk around guy,’ rather than the removed, invisible force that is the norm for most college campuses, John Lahey has decided that he will now appear before students (with a new technological twist) only on the first day of their orientation and on their final day as graduates.

A source close to the President, speaking on condition of anonymity, shared Lahey’s thoughts on BuzzFeed, which then went viral across the net. Both The Chronicle of Higher Education and Inside Higher Ed have since run articles on Lahey’s momentous repudiation of his widely emulated Proximity Philosophy and the Logic of Inter-Personal Leadership. Drawing new counter-factual fire from his own doctoral thesis in logic and philosophy, the President’s reasons for this reversal are many and noble, according to the leak of a very exclusive interview that Lahey conducted with himself last spring.

In this interview Dr. Lahey expressed his belief, “That it was no accident that I, an educator, was once chosen to be Grand Marshal of the ‘Come On People, Now, Smile on Your Students—Everybody Get Together, Try to Know One Another Right Now’ Parade. I once saw it as my mission to spread the word about the Famine of Community, and to encourage schools to include it in their curriculums, because of its significance to students and faculty who long to understand who their leader was and was not, and why I am now withdrawing from QU’s unprecedented growth over the past two decades in engagement, empathetic programs, reciprocity and physical proximity.”

When pressed by himself to explain the logic of such a reversal of his social capital and empathetic wisdom, he cited the famous French philosopher John Jock Ruseso on the utter charade of “the social contract.” He then hailed a far more realistic and sustainable idea from another French thinker, Jack Diaherradada:

“You see, my constant and careful presence to students and faculty actually had created a corrosive absence, one that was clearly damaging the institution and my own reputation. Once I flipped the lid of my own binary thinking, I understood my new role and responsibility in a flash. Yes, I realized that the presence of my absence across campus will enable QU to advance itself by reducing resources for such non-growing, non-productive majors as Philosophy, Anthropology, History, Political Science, Sociology, English—did I mention Philosophy?—and increasing resources for Business, Engineering, Nursing, PT/OT because these are the majors that will teach students what they really need to know in their careers about the absence of the presence of ethics, civics, characteristics, critics, semantics, poetics and-”

At this point in the interview, President Lahey stopped to take a phone call from the Board of Trustees. We’re not allowed to say what was discussed, but the men’s hockey team can expect to get a new, heated bench.

After the interview, Lahey announced that a new online avatar of the President will be ready for use at the 2015 Commencement Exercises, where his rangy, holographic likeness will appear down the full length of the Clock Tower, his talking head framed within its apex, and the carillon tinkling the tranquilizing tune that closes out his favorite autobiographical film, “Doctor Strangelove”–“We’ll Meet Again, Don’t Know Where, Don’t Know When.”

Michael Sam Speech Pretty Gay

michael-samWow. That is all I can really say. Well, not actually because just saying “Wow. That is all I can really say” would not make much of an article at all. So I guess I will truly start this article by at least telling you that this is about the speech that just concluded at 8:00 pm on March 3rd given by football player Michael Sam. If I had to describe it, I would honestly say it was all pretty gay.

Never before have I been inclined to demonstrate an interest in football or the players of the sport, but boy, did Michael Sam get me riled up! There was a throbbing pulsation in my heart as he graciously discussed being the first openly homosexual player in the NFL.

Overall, it was a very lighthearted and merry occasion that was not only inspiring, but also an informative event that gave students the opportunity to question a man who makes a living by taking a pounding from fully grown men in tight pants.

“What more could a guy like me ask for?” asked Sam to giggling, cheerful audience members. Not a soul in the auditorium was left untouched as Sam’s words gave encouragement to those who might feel disadvantaged or marginalized. Not only was his speech far from being a typical downer, a story about being caught in the grips of prejudice, but Sam’s speech introduced unforeseen levels of jolliness to the spirits of Quinnipiac students across campus. It is at times like these that the gayness of such events are appreciated to their fullest so that perpetual happiness can be achieved.