The Quinnipiac Bobcats bobsledding team placed 4th out of 4 teams this weekend at the National Bobsled Invitational in Anchorage, Alaska. With a time of six minutes and forty-eight seconds, the team shattered the previous mark of “the slowest bobsled time in all of goddamn history.”
“That display of bobsledding was the worst display of bobsledding I’ve ever seen in my entire life” said QU bobsledding coach/Hollywood tough guy Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. “That’s coming from a guy who knows nothing about bobsledding at all. I didn’t even realize it was a sport until five minutes before the race.”
“The Rock” then proceeded to shoot a bow and arrow into the crowd and then shower them with autographed copies of The Tooth Fairy on Blu-Ray.
Placing first was Harvard University, followed by a group of obese Hispanic men wearing only sombreros who finished second. The Jamaican bobsledding team from the 1993 film Cool Runnings finished in third.
“This was some bullshit,” said QU bobsledding team captain, senior Benjamin Mills. “The other teams had a clear advantage. We didn’t have any funding whatsoever so we had to hitchhike all the way to Alaska. It was pretty awesome but also a drain.”
Mills then fell asleep standing up and was carried out by his fellow teammates. It was later reported that “The Rock” went “rogue on their bitch-asses” whilst hitchhiking and hospitalized all four of the players.
The bobsledding team’s next match up is December 8th at the International Bobsledding Federation’s 13th annual Sledfest in Juneau, Alaska. The bobsledding team has requested to be picked up by some “chill ass dude from ZBT” at the hospital in Anchorage and driven to Juneau for their next match. It has been rumored that they’ll “pay for gas and all that crap.”